thank you. i'm happy i had a good session too :-)
it feels like... something has shifted. i guess because i expressed some stuff to him (by email) that i would never have the courage to talk about IRL... but some stuff that really revealed how i was feeling. part of me... was really worried that he would freak out / terminate me because of that. but... he didn't seem to be trying to back off / get rid of me, instead he seemed really happy that i'd shared it.

i think that the greatest moments of connection come when you share something that you are really embarrassed / ashamed about... and when you kind of dread that t will respond badly... but when t doesn't respond badly at all. at least... that is the case for me.

i guess it also showed him something of how much i really do think about therapy outside therapy. and... the kinds of thinking about it that i do (the connections that i see and how there is a disconnection between thoughts and feelings and stuff). so... i feel like he knows me that little bit better.

and... we did almost argue a while ago about how to conceive of the alters / voices etc. and.... he thought i was avoiding / denying, i guess, though he decided not to push me on that and decided to give me some time.

and now i really think he gets the grain of truth in my thoughts on that. that... my symptoms magnified when they needed to be magnified such that i was eligable for treatment. that there genuinely is an indeterminacy in how i describe things (as 'part of me' or as 'not me') and that there is a genuine indeterminacy in much of my experiences too, and that the 'not me' interpretation seems truer of my experiences when i'm under significant stress... he seems to really be hearing what i'm saying about that now. which is FANTASTIC. because... i did worry how he would respond once he really took this on board... because... he agreed to work with me thinking i would be a clear case of DID (so switching in sessions) and because... there are issues around how much i 'magnify' or 'lie'(???) or 'misread' what is going on for me in order to obtain the treatment i think i need...

but... he seems happy enough that i'm fairly psychologically minded such that we can explore relationships between the past and the present.

sometimes... i'm fairly dismissive of his interpretations too. mostly because i don't think he knows me well enough (so his interpretations are off) or because i don't have the ego strength (think that it is important for me to make sure that he appreciates that rationally of course i know better - so i do that instead of staying with the feeling level). i guess... i was better positioned to take them on board since he was so validating with my self-disclosures of how i felt...

so...

the feeling like i need to placate (say the 'magic words') isn't just about my dealings with the mental health system (i thought it was)...

i used to do that with my parents too. of course... thats why the mental health system was retraumatising to me... i didn't get that before. and... although he did think i was woffling on about nothing for a time (he kept trying to divert me) at the end he realised that there was a method to my woffling and my woffle was setting up the story about those past abuses...

i think... he might be starting to trust me some more. he doesn't have to push me because i jolly well push myself and i will do that when i'm ready. he doesn't have to aim to frustrate my needs because my needs are so great (at times) that they are bound to be frustrated. he really... doesn't need to do a hell of a lot except trust me and help me figure out what is going on when he can see something helpful to say... and help me come to a better understanding. i think... he might be getting this now :-)

so happy :-)

see how things go tomorrow...

i figure i might be bound for disapointment 'cause i can't see this being sustained... maybe my pathology or maybe a degree of realism. who the %#@&#! knows.

:-)