Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiesmom
You really love this guy.
If someone doesn't want help...there's not much you can do.
You have to get him to the point where he wants to be here. And that is a ton of responsibility to give yourself...I don't recommend (for you own mental health) that you do this....Honestly I don't. No. Just no.
The only thing you can do is to do what you're doing. Be there. Be quiet. Hold his hand. Give him a sense that you will be there for him. He will push you away in lots of ways. Some you won't even see that that's what he's doing....
You could try helping him feel good by "fixing" some problems that you make up...simple ones that won't overwhelm. Ask his advice on a few minor things. (very minor...you don't want to need, but you want to want). He will either help and be glad that he did, or he will close down.
I really don't know any way to make someone understand that they can count on you other than just being there no matter what.
But please, don't risk your own mental health for someone else. In other words, if you can't finish this (and not many can) then don't start.
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I don't know if I'd say he doesn't want help... I think he does, but I don't think he knows how to accept it. And he certaintly doesn't know how to love himself. I don't know how to help him change that. He can't seem to grasp that what happened to him, how he was raised, wasn't his fault. He knows the why of most of it... I've heard him make excuses for them. And there is none. But to him, there is something he missed... Something he could have done to change their opinion.
But now he goes into every relationship, be it for friendship or personal, knowing he is inadequate and it's just a matter of time before he ****s up and they're gone and he is alone again. So he's already self sabotaging before he starts. And it sucks because he is a good person. I can see how his ex would say he is needy because he is going to need a ton of work and patience and dedication and, like you mentioned, she couldn't handle it.
Do I know if I can? I have no idea. I've never met anyone like him before. I don't harbour any illusions that I'm going to sweep him off his feet and save him and live happily ever after. I wish it were that easy. But I already sorta got my foot in rhe door and he's hanging here by a thread and I know if I ditch out now... He really has no one else talks to aside from Ads. He doesn't really stay long when I have other people around because he knows that they don't consider him a friend. Not that they're outright rude to him, but... He isn't stupid. He knows that they know he's beneath them so he's quiet and awkward and he said he doesn't like putting me in that position.
Being the way he is (withdrawn and untrustful) and what he's been through, he doesn't have a lot in common with people his age. Things that normal 20 year olds find funny and joke at, he just doesn't. He had to grow up too fast and there's nothing there for him to relate too.
I wish he could just put the blame where it belongs, let it go and move on but he's so set that he is what they made him, which is...Nothing.
I guess you're right... In that I do love him. It's hard not to fall for someone so... tragically beauitful. But the inside too. I find it amazing that he still has compassion and I can't help but think of the person he would have been if he hadn't been stripped of every chance before he got it. But in the same breath, it's hard to fall head over heels because you get a piece then he's pulling back. It's not easy to be dis-illsuioned that it's a fairy tale because half the time he makes you want to bang your head against a wall.... lol
Decisions! Those are tough. Asking him to pick a place for lunch is painful. It just won't happen, actually. Easier if it's just us, still a hard process, in a group not a chnace. But I sshould have thought of advice more. Like a "Which looks better, this sweater or this?" Sort of thing. I doubt he has the patience to go through my wardrobe so I'll have to think of ways to sneak them in. It's a good way to get feeling more involved, I think. Thanks SophiesMom
