when we think we are at the ropes end.. it goes further...
i can't even think for myself currently... i just know that im supposed to hold on to the rope with all i have...
because i dont want it to go deeper, because it wont stop pulling until you cut the rope..
but we cant cut the rope because we'll fall all the way..

sucky thing is that i was never good at climbing rope

but apparently i went to limits beyond the limits of my mental capacity, the ability to cope, ability to maintain...
now i am in limbo, i feel a lot of things too.. it hurts, deeply, much deeper than i have ever heard some one to explain... but the pain i feel is separate, it is chopped into pieces and placed into parts of my mind with an anchor, it wont stop the pain until i release the anchor... and i cant release the anchor until i learn what happened, understand, and come back into myself...

i am the pain, the misery, the suffering, i cant see myself, i cant feel myself, but i am effecting all levels of my own...
when the rope pulls up, i can see a little.. when the rope moves down, i can feel the motion...
but what have i become? but a shell that contains memories of once a painful past, inaccessible to the human that caries the life force...

it doesn't go away, time stands still while these moments are frozen in time...

i want to heal, to recover my humanity, emotions and rectify the feelings that i have so that i can complete a whole person and not be so... as i am...

in my experience no amount of drugs or alcohol have really helped, even the doctors drugs didnt help.. these things really cant be solved through quick fix or a drug... it is what we have become, something we have to learn...
then to struggle through the murky tar pits of the past... and to learn to allow ourselves to be... just to be...

a good trustworthy therapist is priceless along the journey... that is worth so much more than any drug...

although i'll take the drugs too for sure, when i come to i simply cant stand the reality!

i know how it feels to want it to stop, i want it to stop too... for you and i both
but when something is in full swing... i have rarely ever seen anything in full swing just stop...
but 'cashing out' of life isn't the way to achieve it... this creates ripples that reverberate through others, even if we dont know them some can be affected..

i am a pretty big burden on everyone here myself.... and i am horribly ashamed of everything with no escape or way to just fix everything and pretend like nothing happened...
but i refuse to let this war end easily... and i refuse to be on the losing side...
tonight we ride as champions

for dawn will not come until our enemies retreat to rest...
victory is a must







i dont want to lose another comrade to this war, i'll fight with the last walking finger i have- if but only a finger i have left..
fight with me