i feel so crazy :/

of course everything would go quiet when im sitting in a room with someone that can help me, of course i wouldnt remember..
of course i would feel so stupid sitting there wondering what is wrong with me, thinking you are just really going crazy, too far, why are you here?

the silence is so ... i guess i get so used to it being so active inside that it is really disturbing... for it to feel like an empty hall, not even my own thoughts can manifest, but i tried really hard... i think i told her that it was quiet, that im just really spaced out or something..

all i remember is she wanted to do a couple grounding things and i was terrified, i didnt know what she was wanting me to do, but i did what she said the best i could, it just got even more quiet after that... i remember it sounded like my voice became far away... i dont think i said anything more about it after that... i think i was like in shut down mode for some reason... i really like her, but alot of stuff was going on in my head on the trip there and i was having to fight to keep from crying... because i want to tell her things it feels like but my mind wont let me.. and then i see her and its all different, i didnt even remember the wanting to cry on the way in.. all i remembered was my face started to get tingly and my head felt like it was in a clamp when we arrived to the office building

but its ok... she told me she wanted me to write down when i feel like my -uhhhh walked off there for a minute
i guess write my mood swings down or something, it had names but i cant remember she just told me to name the things something that meant something to me...
1 side has these
angry, agressive, defensive, reactive, overtly manipulative, coercive, impulsive, hostile, irrational, self-centered.. i think it was something like sympothetic?

other side has
freezing stuck paralysis of action, dissociation, emotional numbing, distraction, covertly manipulative, engage as martyr, self soothing, reactive, impulsive, emotional and psychological distancing, self centered



i really have no clue ... trying to think about those things i dont know what i feel, i feel so empty right now... disconnected... nothingness... no memory, no future, no past, no anything .. what would you label that as..?

i can totally tell when i feel depressed or angry, but like this it feels like everything and nothing at the same time ..
i dunno, its too much.. overload... i cant process it all so this is how i end up feeling, right?
because im so angry, so depressed, so anxious, but some how obliviously happy, content, not caring about anything... but im not!!
i dont want to be like this, i think that i want to be those things so much that its there, but then i have reality that is there too, and im stuck in the middle, do i live in a fantasy? do i succumb to reality?
i like puzzles but my mind is not the puzzle i wanted to be putting together...

she wants me to bring the journal in i guess to show her what i find out by writing down these.. god i dont even remember how she said to write it down, im just gonna try though... but i dont know if i should take it in because the stuff that is in that book just makes me look so crazy... i cant understand whats wrong with me, why these things are happening, i cant even imagine how i was feeling when i wrote those things... if i hurt so bad like that i really dont want to be in reality...

but if she reads some of it, maybe she will better know whats happening..?
i just get embarrassed so easily and dont like making myself look like a fool...

i had wrote a few notes last week i wanted to give to her but i forgot to give to her.. which i guess isnt a bad thing because i didnt really want to give it to her anyway, just guess that i wanted to let her know those few things... maybe ill give it to her next time :/ i mean if she is going to see even 1 entry in the journal then those few notes are nothing

grrrrrrrrrrrr - totally not happy with myself at the moment.. not smart enough to figure out what to do... i dont even know if i can trust her, i mean i know she knows more than i know she knows already because i dunno what i've told her really..

this makes you feel so stupid!!
cant even pay attention enough to remember what the hell is going on in an important meeting
and dont even know if she believes you or if you even believe yourself, what the ffffff

i dunno if i can do it... i want to so bad, i dont know if i can face myself...
so scared... i have never shown anything to anyone on purpose, for me to sit there and try to tell her something... impossible.....

god i hope she can be patient with me.... its/im probably going to break the next appointment... and i wont be able to control it anymore, im so tired of this... tired so physically and emotionally... mentally...

i just remember, she said stuff about some are talking about they need to add the acumulative trauma to dsm... because ... um... well apparently it causes other effects and people end up with misdiagnosis..? i think that what she said...

urghh

guess that i've just been through too much for my poor little mind to handle..

crazy how emotions can just 'show up' i hate feeling things, gotta stop writing so it will go away -- so strange how such strong feelings cant show themselves on the outside until its too late