i know.. i block so much out that i cant even think straight right now...
i dont even know whats going on, to be honest..
but if i wasn't doing this then i would be in the other state and i cant bare the pain..
when it happens and it comes to the surface it is absolute hell.. followed by complete mental torture...
i dont know how my mind is doing whatever its doing, and im not sure if its good or bad or if i like it or not... i just know that its taking me away from who i am, that life, right now i dont have a life, a past, i dont remember anything - besides seeing some type notes in my head that i can read to keep me intact enough so that i dont completely lose touch with my self... months have past in just a few seconds it seems.. and i dont even remember any of them..

im still arguing with myself alot, but its happening in a way that im not even paying attention, i guess.. i forget easily at the moment.. plus i keep reminding myself that its my internal war, and just trying to see it for what it is.. so that i can try to work on things... which i have been getting worse for the past.. um.. i dunno, like you said i've just been getting worse since i was born.. its a horrible thing to have to try to deal with for so long, to never really know how to relax - never have been able to relax... not know what happiness feels like, to not know the simple things that everyone else seems to understand so easily and just not be able to make sense of it because its locked away somewhere and not allowed

when im doing battle.. i have physical strength, but mental power can bring down the largest armies.. if you can convince them to take themselves down, you dont have to do much besides coercing .. but you dont want to destroy them, you want to convert them.. so that their armies can work for you and you become much stronger...

we can say many many things, but even the most eloquent writings have difficulty with this.. i have read alot of really awesome things, inspiring, truely mind boggling you know? but still not have an effect on the war inside

we can take a sloppy writing that is incoherent and find beauty in it.. find message that can make complete sense, just as well as the eloquent.. its how we let our mind perceive, interpret... what we take out of a message, something that we can use to give us hope.. a little inspiration... just a little, just enough to keep fighting.. so that hopefully we'll get the boost we need very very soon, just enough to keep going until we can hit the top and conquer these adversaries..

i know that i am so far out there right now that i cant really put these words together in a well way.. but i just want to be here the little bit that i am here for you because i want you to feel better, because im driving myself crazy right now too and if i didnt have the ability to turn everything off i dunno where i would be... the pain really is unbearable, when you have frozen memories we have to try to release them some how i think... but i have no idea how to do it.. i dunno if your pain stems from same thing that i deal with, but either way its not good.. and if you've had traumatic experiences then we just really have to try to work through it some how... i think from the traumas the pain stays because we dont release it, because we wont accept it and feel it completely or something..

i have no idea how it works because i dont even want to think about it - its super icky and i totally get it... i feel like im being pulled in every direction too, ripped apart on the inside... clawing and screaming, but i dont express it and i guess i dissociate heavily..
just part of me knows that i have to remember everything and accept it for it to change, but i dont want to

just have to try to survive... keep surviving... dont let them win...
anyone/thing on the inside is stuck with us too, so might as well either ignore each other or try to get along right? just sometimes stuff on the inside seems so much stronger than i am, i guess when you know more then of course you stronger...?
but i dont think anything inside is trying to destroy me atm so i am so sorry that you are feeling so much hurt.. i dont get along with myself very well, but im just trying to keep going until i can figure things out and make things better ... dunno why things on the inside want to cause so much chaos and harm, i guess thats what up with all this mental stuff.. maybe pain is all we know and something needs to keep it going because its scared, i know i can be really nasty to myself out of the blue for no reason at all, think things are being ok and all of a sudden BAM POW BOOM CLASH

i dunno if it can get better either, i know everyone says that it can and does get better... but i dunno, i dont know what better would be like, but i do know that i dont want to miss the chance at finding out what better could be.. know what i mean?
if i quit now, i'll never know and i really would like to know what its like

are you with a therapist you feel safe with? i cant remember if you said so or if i asked already
im just a crazy guy that just wants you to be safe.. so you can hopefully have a chance at finding out what 'better' means too.. and i think maybe having a good therapist that can talk and listen and understand is essential..

are you on any medicines? i was on a bunch of medicines but they didnt really do anything.. besides couple knocked me out cold and i sleep for a while but even them after a year stopped knocking me out

the mind, what a crazy thing... a beautifully ugly fuzzy beast to cuddle that cant escape
i wish i knew better words to say.. i try to let my battle wounds make me stronger.. even though its taking my energy and draining everything i have, eventually i should be callused enough for the blows and attacks to not even phase me, right?




we're here for you.. many people here