Reading your story, I can tell your heart is in the right place. On the one hand I understand how you feel you are the one keeping him here on earth..but at the same time it is a rather arrogant place to put yourself "if not for me, he would be gone"...maybe, or maybe not. what will you feel if he goes despite your presence? suicidal thoughts don't follow logic, people in that place are very much alone there (I have been suicidal several times, so I get that) so how they are affecting others is not as high on the priority list as the feelings they have and the wish to end those painful feelings. For myself, I didn't really want to 'end' me, but I couldn't make the psychic pain go away so I thought, 'well, I need to make myself go away'.

I was with a couple of men who were damaged by their pasts and the truth of it is, YOU cannot fix it. no matter how much you care, love, cry, hurt, for that person, YOU cannot make it all better. and in the end you lose so much of yourself from trying so hard to do that, to help in any way you can. and you begin to resent that other person for not 'getting better', or not reciprocating the love and care you are pouring out of yourself onto that other person. the first man I fell for, we started as friends and he was very dependent on me...and I poured love and care on him, I gave him all of my mental energy...and when he did end up breaking things off (it was my ex husband who ended the friendship, not either of us but he acceded to my ex's request to cease contact)...I had NOTHING left inside to hold myself up with. I was an empty shell...I had a breakdown and it took almost a year to recover myself. I was an adult over 40 with teenaged children when this happened...I can't even imagine being in my 20s and going through what I did. and I don't want YOU to go through that. It changes you as a person, it is very traumatic.

so what would I suggest? I think the alanon suggestion was a good one...also perhaps seeing a therapist of your own to talk things through...because he is and will take a LOT of mental energy from you and you will need a 'voice of reason' to talk to...not just friends. would I recommend you stay with him? I don't. but I know how hard it is to walk away and in the end I wasn't able to the first time...but I did the second time. I am not and you are not responsible for what actions they may take. If he does end up taking his life, it is not your responsibility...that is too great a burden for you to even attempt to take on. ultimately what he does or does not do, is not dependent upon you. even if he cares for you, it may not be enough. depression is selfish and it lies to us and we believe it's lies.

I wish you the very best, I know you care deeply for this man...just know that the happy ending you have in your deepest heart is not going to happen with him. be prepared for that. walk away now if you can. but be prepared if you don't that you may have the biggest heartbreak of your entire life. I hope for your sake that you don't.

((BIG HUGS))