im glad you are working with someone

i hate being trapped

i of course can only speak for myself because i dont know your situation..
when i was actively fighting, like really really fighting myself things were bad bad... like it seems to fight makes it worse for me, im not sure what happened... but its not so bad right now.. dunno how long its been like this, but im really disconnected and just with alot of confusion.. but its better than fighting with those ... well, whatevers..
i hate fighting especially when you cant run away from it...

i think in the beginning it didnt matter that i was trying to stop fighting.. begging and pleading for mercy because im not trying to do anything on purpose, but eventually it seem to ... im not sure... its not stopped really but i cant hear it so much because im so far away
im not really sure where i am at the moment
but im in a nice little bubble... its not really nice, but.. ill take it...

i honestly dont know whats wrong with me, besides im probably just completely insane...
but i guess maybe its like this for me now because im trying something new.. the inside is curious if it can get better, if it can work..
i hate having a bad memory

do your psychologist know whats happening with you?
is there something new you can try out..? maybe you are having these intense feelings because you really feel no way out... maybe we sometimes think that things have to be a certain way for them to be better.. but we dont see how things can be different and be better too, without being the way we thought it had to be.. ?
maybe sometimes there really is no way out.. and we just have to fix up the place to make it tolerable

i dunno, i dont think about it right now.. cant

i hear the saying, if life gives you lemons.. make lemonade
i have spent a long time trying not to be crazy and trying to appear normal, now im just like - if life gives me crazy, im going to make crazinade .. but maybe the crazinade will be really tasty, even if its not tasty then atleast im using all this crazy on something ..
and keeping myself busy juicing all the crazy berries


im not really sure what im saying, i cant focus at all

i keep saying to myself "i dont know what to do" too and "im trapped"
i hate being trapped

i hope i dont say something wrong, its really hard to focus... probably shouldn't even be here right now sigh

im going to get in bed and stare at the ceiling or something
pleze hang in there