Hello to everybody ☺️

Im new in this Forum and i just want to apologize in advance for my english! It's not my first language !

I need some support from you guys! I will try to make it as short as possible ☺️.

About 2 years ago it all started with a full blown panic attack ! At the first time i didn't know what was happening to me so I drove to the emergency! They told me that I was ok and it was due to stress ! It was hard for me to believe it! I'm a mom of two beautiful little children (2 and 4) and yes I causes stress sometimes but I just could not believe that stress can cause something like that ! In a short time I experienced everything from depersonalisation to derealization and even more ! At first I thought I might have a brain tumour, or a stroke and I feard that I might have something with the heart !
I was doctor shopping ,went from one to the other just to exclude that this panic attack was a sign of being physical ill! When the docs told me that I was ok, I believed them and my fears went away ! But not the dp and dr I experienced! This feelings made me think that I could be a danger for my kids and that I could harm them because it felt so much like I will lose touch with reality! I did a lot of Google research what was probably the worst thing I could to ! My intense fear of becoming schizophrenic was born! And from that one I live with that fear every day !

I startet to obsess with all the symptoms this issue brings with it ! I started to experience hypnagogic hallucinations what made me believe even harder that I will develop psychosis ! Then I started to make commanding voices up in my mind just to prove that this are just my thoughts and not voices and just to prove that I won't act on them (my) voices! It was and still is the hell for me being around my lovely kids because I am so scared that I will out of the blue go crazy and doing something terrible to them !

I also read about delusions and I started to obsess about them ! Do I think that people around me are plotting against me ?? What if I would truly believe that ? Yesterday the thought that my husband could try to kill my cause I am a pain in the *** for him just pops in my head and I just began to cry my soul out cause I don't want to think stuff like that and I definitely don't want to believe it ! But what if I already do? I mean why would I think about it ! And although I know my husband would never do it , You can never be 100% sure !! So am I delusional now??? Or is it just because I read so much about schizophrenia that my anyxous/ocd mind feets me with that fear ?

I went to a few therapeuts and they told me that I am not schizophrenic but I just can't believe it! I know it sais that if you fear going crazy , you are probably sane ! And if you questioning if you are delusional ,you are not ! Cause delusional people don't question their beliefs! But some time in my google career I also read ,that in the beginning of a psychosis you can have little insight !

I just don't want to go crazy! I don't want to go to a mental hospital and have to be away for a long time from my baby's ! I don't want my baby's to experience something like that ! They deserve and need a functioning mum ! Not a mom which need to take medicine and without it will not be able to function under stress !

Sorry again for my English ! I hope for some replies and helpful answers

Ps. I also have a constant mind chatter and I a scared that this is the beginning of hearing voices 😟