thanks

i am physically sickened right now
i hate feelings
i hate emotions
i cant stand this
i want to go back in the hole where i was somewhere else and didnt know what was going on
i still dont know what is going on but i am just feeling really pissed because this is just so not cool, no wonder i wanna get drunk and high!

just dont think i can do this, i cant cant cant

urgh >.<
i am just writing non sense down in the book, its annoying because i dont know what im supposed to write.. but whatever, if it helps me remember things - which maybe i dont want to remember - so dont know why i should do it ..?

gonna drink some wine.. why me?

:
hmm...
sorry, its not that i hate that stuff, i just dont like feeling those things you know..
i dunno, i spend ALOT of energy everyday to conceal... conceal whatever, everything i guess - so that no one will know how crazy i am...

im definitely not suicidal.. and i dont want to die, although i guess the feeling goes through your mind alot you know?
better of if i was not here kind of thing.. but thats not what i want, i wanna be happy, thats all i want

i went outside to smoke a cig and watched the birds for a minute.. gonna try to relax... and not think about things...
today has been rough... even though i dont think i have done anything all day ...but oh well, it doesnt seem to matter..

im so tired >.<

::
im not sure whats wrong with me... i swear... i seem to have a bunch of faces.. i dont even know who me is anymore...
i just dont understand... i think im going crazy...
what the hell.. im so tired of being confused... why cant i just be me? a normal person, be happy, just be happy and normal...

this is all just a dream...