*LONG POST*

I don't know how to start this so, I'll give this a go. I was diagnosed bipolar at 16, however I was resistant to my diagnoses and didn't actually take it seriously until I was in my early 20s (I'm 26). As a child I was bullied, non stop, from kindergarten to my sophomore year in high school. I have yet to return to the town I was bullied most in and have nightmares about being bullied as a child to this day.

I am married to the most wonderful woman, she is my life's greatest treasure. However, a few years back, my step son broke his leg. It was a freak spiral fracture. His father, however, is a vindictive, insecure, whelp of a man, and instead of handling the situation as an adult, took advantage of the situation and decided to use my step sons broken leg as a means to remove me from my wife's life and my step sons life, he accused me of child abuse, and started a custody case in an attempt to gain sole custody. Over the course of a year, I was investigated, interviewed, and pretty much had my name thrashed. He tried to paint me as a druggie, even drug my entire family into it. He is a pathological liar, and has done everything in his power to make my wife's relationship with her son as small as possible.

Fast forward several years later, and I find myself in an anxiety attack/borderline panic attack whenever I talk about court, or go to my step sons exchanges (I've been present at almost every single one. I love my step son, and I take every chance I can to formulate some relationship with him) it's the same feeling I get when I think about being bullied. I feel defenseless, I feel little, like a shell of man (little background; I'm a power lifter. I'm not a small guy) even now, our next exchange is over a week away, but I'm already anxious about it. I feel so helpless.... :-( I feel like this keeps me from being as supportive of my wife as I want to be because I'm always so anxious that I fail to realize that this situation as a thousand times harder on her than it is on me (I couldn't imagine someone trying to keep my child from me), but my anxiety is only getting worse. Even after a judge ruled out the ridiculous child abuse accusations and essentially destroyed any credibility my step sons father had in court, I feel like I can't stand up for myself. I feel powerless. My physical strength is a point of pride for me, so you can imagine how it makes me feel emotionally when I feel so weak inside. It's like pins and needles all over my body, my chest feels like it's being crushed, and my poor wife catches the tail end of my irritability.... Anyone with similar experiences/thoughts?


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