whats the deal with handwriting? i've heard other people say things about it...
but i thought that everyone did that

did i show this song yet?
i dont know how i make them, but i enjoy listening...


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if i could get control over my mind maybe i could really do something cool with music

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is really bothering me to be so forgetful...
im making myself go to see a therapist when i dont want to see anyone, when i dont even want to say hello to anyone, when i dont want to leave the bedroom... and for what...? to remember a couple words..? a couple seconds..?
what is my problem...

i walk around, when im alone, realize im acting super weirdo... and then walk into a room with someone and have to try to figure out how to act normal.. stop moving your arms like that!! stop doing that!! stop...
atleast no one has noticed anything strange yet... my hands clinch... i clutch my side to hold it in... i guess its how people are used to seeing me, i dunno why its getting like this and why im losing it... im afraid....
i know the more times i walk into the office with that therapist the more she will see... i dunno how much the first therapist saw, i cant remember... i just know i dont want anyone to see!
im so ashamed of myself... why i cant pull things together and stop being so... i dont even know...
i dont know how much she has seen already, im so embarrassed... i just want to act like myself but i dont know how im supposed to act... why do i have to act ???? its suposed to be natural... right? grrrrr......
what have i done....

how am i suposed to be comfortable sitting in a room with her when im not even comfortable sitting in a room with myself...
i cant let anyone know, i cant even talk to anyone, no family, no mom, no dad, no sister or brother, no one...
then how can i talk to a stranger...

im afraid that im going to lose completely, what ever i am in this moment to disappear and something evil arise... how????
what if i hurt everyone that is supposed to be close to me... what if i screw my life up even worse than it already is....
what if i simply blank out and never come back..? what if i wake up and im in the hospital bed 93 years old wondering where i have been... what if.....

how can this be real? you feel so weird! it has to be dreams right..??
but im afraid its not.. i dont think it is a dream, there are too many things sitting around that i think make it seem too real...
omg.... i want to go back... i want to go back and stop it.... wha....

i am so lost... i don't know what to do.... i dont even know what to think.... i cant think.... i dont even want to think anymore.... im so broken.....