I'm a loner. I've always had just a couple of close friends and that's it. I've never been a group person, never been an active person, never had hobbies etc. I'm in my mid 30's and am single, no kids. My few close friends are generally from high school or college and have kids, families, and live away from where I am. My family has a strong history of depression and bipolar. My mom worries about me a lot but she has been battling major depression for the past few years, my dad spends his time helping keep her up and moving and be there for her. My brother has his own medical issues and is married with kids. My one best friend who I know would always be there for me and has great insight has her own major medical issues she's been dealing with and I hate to bug her with my stuff all the time; what's she's dealing with is way worse. I don't fit in at work with anyone and when I'm down I just tend to hibernate and isolate. I have a great Tdoc and a good PDoc but obviously I can't rely on them to keep me out of the black hole and be available constantly when I'm at the bottom of the pit.

Where do i turn? I Need someone who can understand and not just tell me to just think positive. I need to have some "rational" conversations, but who can I lean on? Who can I talk to when things go bad? I feel alone, even though there are people around.

I have been off work for the past 3 weeks and haven't told anyone in my family. I don't want to get them all riled up, they have their own stuff they need to concentrate on. My therapist just told me she thinks I need to go inpatient somewhere for my depression (or have ECT), my PDoc (I just found out) has labeled me with an alcohol abuse problem (which I do not have by far, others will attest to that) ontop of my depression. I went so far down this time I scared myself. Stopped eating, slept 16-18 hours a day with random pills in the back of my medicine cabinet, and started Cutting. I need to get back to work soon or I will loose my job (including health benefits), I'm sick of lying to my family but the minute I tell them they will hover over me and neglect themselves (and smother me which will make this worse). Is there resource out there I'm not thinking of? I don't want to go inpatient, as that adds a new level/label to me...I've avoided it so far. Any suggestions. Sorry this is so long.