So after I calmed down, which was this morning some time, I called him, got his voice mail. So then I thought about just going to his office, but decided that was not such a good idea. I emailed him this afternoon when I hadn't heard back from him. Now I know what I was feeling and sensing was right. This is what transpired!

Hey Aaron,

Could you please recap yesterday, working on this.

A. So do you mean, take a break, permanently, put everything I pulled out back away?

B.Get on with my life, while I work through things?

____________________________________________

His response

Yeah, I think you need only attend to the past if it is causing you problems in the present. Once stuff is out it can't be put away the same way --- it is out. If you have a cancer, better to know where it is and treat it or get rid of it, but if you know where it is and it is not doing anything bad to the body, OK to let it be. If it starts to make trouble you go after it again.

AS

Now yesterdays session was after last weeks that we talked things out, we both talked about where we stand, about abandonment issues and rejection, about him telling me disclosing was the hardest part, how I disagreed and that the hardest part is now, dealing with my feelings of hoplessness, no self esteem, guilt, useless, everything. We decided to work on the feelings, discuss them process them and go from there. That was last week, then this weeks session I go in with a handful of things to talk about and before I know it, he is telling me I am ok, and to put this stuff away and get on with my life!!!!!! Ok.....feeling like the girl from the excorcist and my head is spinning on my shoulders. So after considering what to do I wrote him this back tonight.

Aaron,

I thought that was what you were saying yesterday. But somehow it just wasn't registering at all. I debated calling, was even going to pop in your office today. But as usual I back away from saying what is on my mind, but I have a great conversation with myself!! Not that, that helps me one bit, but whatever.

So this is where I am at with this, I am going to try to put this simple and to the point without throwing emotions into it.

I am not where you say I am, I do not feel that I am ok, to just put this away, if I put it away it is never coming out again, not willingly anyway, and I don't want something to happen that sets me in motion like I was a year ago. I am not taking the vicadin, or drinking to kill the emotions, or cutting. But it is a battle everyday not to, every single day! You are the one that told me to feel it, it will pass. So I am, and I stop doing the destructive things, and now I am all healed, but how come I still have the internal battle going on! It takes me awhile to figure out what is said to me, I turn it over and over in my head, but I eventually give it a shot! I have always tried what is suggested!

I am so good at reading body language and in between the lines, that is the only way I survived growing up! I knew what you were saying yesterday, it just wasn't registering as possible. I felt like I was a kid again, and being told that what I feel and think doesn't matter, just shut it down and forget about it. That steel door slammed shut pretty hard, and as you were saying it, I could see everything going back in that box, and staying there. I have 30+ years of experience with that, I do it well!

Last weeks session I thought went well, we talked things out, and I told you were I was standing, we talked about abandonment, which is huge with me right now, and just getting bigger, we talked about all the crap I am feeling, remember the 7 emotions, then we talked about facing them and dealing with them and processing them, and that it was something that could be done, that disclosing wasn't the big issue! This week I go in with a bunch of things and then you say I am done, that it is time to put it away and move on....so........move onto where.....I just take all these issues and self esteem and hopelessness, or what ever else is going on and put them away?

We talked about working on anger release in the near future, and not sure where that went?? But I know it is something I have to work on. I journal our sessions when I get home, not sure you knew that, but that way I don't forget what you have said, how I felt and I always go back to it to process it, and work on it. I have gotten so many mixed things this past month or so, one thing is said one week, then another totally out of line from the previous session. I feel like the kid from the exorcist with my head spinning on my shoulders!

I have no idea what I did! But obviously I did do something, or I am just a failure at therapy also. Which is what I am thinking right now, if I can't get therapy right what the hell! You don't have to continue with me, obviously I did something to make this turn of events happen.

Not sure you remember our first meeting, I do.........I am so good at hiding things, you sat there I told you what I did, talked about mom, I have years of hiding things behind me, and you thought that I wasn't a threat to myself! You have no idea how wrong that was! I was going to you at the time to appease my husband, I at that point had no intention of going into any of this with you. It was never ever going to come out, sometimes I wish that were still the case. Your right it can never go back in, but it can get buried deep again.

Val

So I am hurt, right now......I have to find another therapist.....and I am not so sure I have the energy to do that.......I hate starting over, building trust.....I don't even know where to begin to look.