Hi you can call me Lily. I used to be on here but I stopped for a while...I don't know why. I could've really used this...So I'm contemplating running away. Before you go and judge me, or tell me 'No, that's a BAD idea!', I want to explain a few things.
My family is not terrible. Let's get that straight. They just aren't...what I need, I guess. For a long time I've felt...different. I'm not talking about sexuality or anything. I just feel like I don't belong. My parents and siblings have never understood me. They don't get why I 'have to have depression, OCD, panic disorder, etc.' To be truthful I don't get them either. Ever since I was little I knew that I wasn't like everyone else. If you'd look in an old photo album, everyone is grinning at the camera...while I'm staring off into the distance at something beyond. No one else can see it. I am crippled emotionally and spiritually. They yelled at us if we said 'God' or 'Jesus', yet now they say that we can choose our religious path. They forced me to doubt such a beautiful thing, and now I can't go back. I physically can't say 'I love you'. The words don't fit right in my mouth. I can't speak above a mumble. I want to sing but my voice comes out as a squeak, not wanting anyone to hear. I've had depression for many years but they don't understand mental illness. I feel fake, but I guess thats from hanging out with fake people. My friends are not really friends as much as acquaintances, and they've basically said as much. My parents have changed drastically from when I was young.
But a child does not forget.
A child does not forget when you beat them with a belt, or slap them across the face.
A child does not forget when you put them in a daycare where they were molested, and then you put them in another where the teenage kids tape them into a corner and laugh at them. A child never forgets when you threw their cat out of the house, and when it came back days later, made them lie to the lady at the shelter and say it was a stray. They won't forget when you used a shock collar on a puppy and then put him down years later when he developed mental problems. They can't forget when you let their baby bunny that they rescued go, and they found it the next day without a head. They can never forget when you told them to shut up, when you broke promises that you swore to keep, or laughed at them when they thought they actually looked pretty in one dress. They'll never forget when you talked about their flaws to a store clerk that they found cute, or when you made fun of them in front of their friends. Or when you were angry at them when the school counselor told you about their panic attacks. Or when you later pretended that never happened.
A child never forgets, and a child never forgives.
I am seventeen years old. I have lived a life of heartache. I have wanted to end it so badly. I still do. But I want to start fresh. For all of those times that I was made fun of for a B among the A's on a report card. For all of my concerts that you didn't feel like going to. For all those times I was ignored or humiliated, told what I couldn't do or accomplish. 'No, you can't go into the Peace Corps. No, you can't go to other countries to save people. No, this excellent SAT score is not good enough.' I'm sick of it. I'm done. I feel like I'm going insane from my restricted freedom. I feel restless in this cage that they have created. I do not owe them 'life debts'. They tried for five years to have me. But they don't appreciate me. They never have. I'm done with this life and I need to move on. So...should I?
Thank you.