i am so sorry you are going through this, i can feel your pain and confusion through your words. i wish there was some happy little pill that could make it alright. even more though i wish there weren't so many messed up people who don't want to get help and just end up screwing up the next generation with their insanity, try to take comfort in your willingness to do the work to become better, that you are willing to stop the cycle.

hang in there
Linda