i feel similar to you taonuviel. i have lived with my depression since i was 12 and im 23 now.. i relapsed about 6 mnths ago and have begun in my downward spiral and i struggle to get.. when i wasnt severely depressed i was pretending it was okay and pushing every other feeling away.. i started in therapy and medications but i never think that any of it will ever work that im doomed to spend how ever much of my life with these feelings... whatever has kept you going hold onto it as tight as you can.. i only have 2 people in my life that i think of when i feel like death is the answer and one of those ppl is depressed himself and currently is in hospital... but i hold onto them because im afraid to hurt them... ambivalence is a strange thing and it keeps you living.. i think that most of us will live with that fear that one day we wont be able to hold on any longer but i guess at least we tried...