I will say this much on this topic- in my life I have had many beliefs before I became firm in the one I have now. There was a point in time I believed Satan was better than God although I did not worship Satan nor would I have called myself a true Satanist. There was also a time when I dabbled with some of the mystic side of things. Then there was a point in which I got frustrated with everything and decided "there was nothing" - we were guided by ourselves and ourselves alone, we were born into the world by a mere happenstance that mom's egg and dad's sperm decided to survive long enough to combine and the things that happen around us are not within an outside force's capability to control or protect us from but rather only we can do that - and when we die everything ceases for us while the rest of the world remains without our awareness nor will we ever again be aware because we will never again be reborn, at that point i developed a pure hatred toward God - and then things changed to give me the complete solidarity in the faith i have now. So I understand you even though I no longer agree with you. I hope you will find the peace I have.