My Thanks to all who responded.

I don't know what has happened to me. I used to believe in God, an after-life, eternity of the soul, and all that. I even believed in soul mates. Now I say, "What in the hell were you thinking, girl?" I guess I bought into what billions of humans buy into because...because they have no real death consciousness or have some DC and are freaked out about the possibility of them, their children, the people they love, humankind in general no longer existing, not in spirit form either.

I feel I have faced head-on the "possibility" that I, me, you, everyone alive at this moment will one day--and very soon when one considers the age, the very old age of this universe; our lives are just a blink in time, truly--will be, and I'm going to honest here, a rotted piece of meat, probably in a coffin (or a rotting piece of meat headed for the crematory)...food for the insects, fodder for the future anthropologists who will study our bones...no afterlife, no eternity of spirit (egocentric man likes to think he has this eternal spirit "created in the image of God" which includes the animals who go around whittling people's heads off...please). Nothingness.

It makes me sad to think of me, you, all of us including our children, soon, very soon, in the grand scheme of things, the possibility of me, you, them, those billions who have come before us, those billions who will come after us...sad to think that none of us, after living this brief moment of time, will no longer exist in any shape, form or fashion except as ashes or a rotting piece of meat in coffin. Our aliveness just a memory, a short term memory, because who in a hundred years is going to know we existed, certainly know our laughter, our hearts, our joys, our pain, talents, how our skin smelled.

Possibility of this. I just don't know and not knowing, well, it may be the way things are, but it isn't good enough for me.

My Psych, a rather devout Catholic, just smiles when I bring up this subject. She just smiles because as a former very religious person I can attest that
if she truly considered this possibility, it's simply too horrific for most. And horrific for me. She says with a smile, "I just need to get a job and quit thinking so much."

So do I do as most have done and take the happy pills? Yes, there is much beauty in our world, but there are just about as many heinous things. As a result, for most, most, people I consider the ADs, more like denial pills...if we really face head on what this world of man is like, hell roy, everyone would be depressed (except for those animals whittling off people's heads). Very normal to be depressed.

But depression can be more than awful, and so, well, there's always the denial pills.

One thing, one thing only, which led to all of this...

I'm surrounded by elderly people. Most battling stroke, cancer, diabetes, broken hips, arthritis to such extent they can hardly walk....I have this to look forward to? Sure none of the above may happen to me, but odds are, yes, something will. We like to believe that we'll live to be ninety, die peacefully in our sleep, travel on in spirit form to live with God, even see our soul mate there. This is a story I used to believe...now I think how did I ever buy into this "possible" fairytale? I guess before this new found thinking I grew some psychological balls.

Anna