okay.. interesting

and using my example earlier, can i ask how 9 pm makes you feel now?

depressed, stable, etc

Cortisol is highest in the morning -- highest at 8 am and can increase depression/anxiety. The things you have been doing sound brilliant such as writing yourself notes. I never paid much attention to the idea that "depression is worse in the morning" until I experienced it. I feel at my worse the first 5 or 6 hours of the day. I relate it to the fact I live alone. I was always a sort of a grouchy morning person but having others around could cheer me up. Living alone isn't just about morning grouchiness...it is the feeling I am living in a nightmare.

When my depression and anxiety increased I became more sensitive to light and noise. The darkness and quiet of nighttime calms me. Daylight, and extremes of temperatures all exacerbate my condition. I understand how you feel. Even if I get up and out I still experience this doom and gloom feeling until I am up and moving around for about six hours.

The odd part is I never remember I have this "condition" until I am in the middle of it. It is like "Groundhog Day" every morning. I wake up and it takes a few hours to realize I am again feeling like crap and if I wait it out I will feel more ordinary levels of depression and anxiety that I can manage.

But watch for changes. Things change. A year ago I was waking up daily with classic panic attacks...pounding heart, shaking etc. Now, they have completely vanished and I no longer experience panic attacks at any time of the day. I did work on some meditative techniques. But, really, the panic attacks just came and went of their own accord, mostly. Don't despair. Keep writing yourself notes. That is lovely! I love how you honor yourself. I need to do more of that as when I wake up I feel a great deal of self loathing and blame, and it is a heavy handed way for anyone to start their day.