I'm sorry you are in a bad place.

I don't want to sound invalidating but people are always better at something. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Try not to best yourself up because you are the greatest at anything of those around you. You do what you do and that is all we can do.

It's hard to have a parent that doesn't show they care. I bet it hurts a lot to feel like you have to succeed to feel loved. You are a person and deserve love if you pass or fail. You deserve love when things are going great and more so you deserve love when you can barely cope and just need someone there to tell you they care and you can get through this.

Therapy and meds may help the symptoms of depression. It's hard for some teens to get that because they don't believe there is anything wrong. I hope it doesn't get to the point you end up in the hospital before you get the help you need.

I have done something similar as you. When I have suicide ideation I can't escape from I draw stick figures dying. Part of it I think let's me express those thoughts because I can't share them with anyone.

Try to take care of yourself. Call 911, suicide hotline or go to the ER before you do something drastic.

Try talking to your parents. If they dismiss you don't give up. Your problems are real and you are under a lot of suffering. There are people that care and there is help out there.