**********WARNING: may contain triggering content**********
**********WARNING: may contain extremely time wasting content**********

i SI last night.
it felt so neccessary.
dont know why.
getting urges again. i tried explaining an "urge" to SI to a councellor on a crisis line. got nowhere with it of course and ended up hanging up..

when i SId last night, well, does anyone else just watch it blob out for a while before realising that if they dont want to die of blood loss, they'd better strap it up ?

its difficult connecting with people again. someone saw my scars. WW3 followed and i ended up leaving and digging in to myself more. stupid.

everything's stupid.

ive notice (wondering if anyone else does?) that when i get like this, i take alot of risks and dont even think about the consequences of whatever im doing.
for example, i walk in front of traffic without looking.
etc.

maybe im hoping something will eventuate from these actions. i honestly dont believe i am. ( i'd know if i was suicidal. right now i'm not )

but its not really any use asking myself about these things right now.

my head's too preocupied with other crap.

crap like being a failor with my education.
and holding up someone with minor troubles who thinks its ok to lean on someone as brittle and wavering in and out of life as myself. but then..she needs me and i need her. i guess i feed off her problems to cover my own.

i dont know.
dont know anything right now.

i guess im gonna end my pathetic rant here.

ive nothing else to say about anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~