On Wednesday I finally called T because I recognized that my SI behavior has gotten out of control. He called me back later that afternoon just as I pulled into the school parking lot. I sat in my car and we talked on the phone for awhile. He was wonderful.

We even talked about the Redfield-Jamison book that he called me about over the weekend. I told him that I had finished it up that day during my lunch hour. He told me that he saw a lot of me in that book-- that her writing reminds him of the way I write. I told him how I bought one of her other books and then he said, "Well if you got those, then you have to get this 3rd one...." And I laughed and said, "Hey, if I'm going to stop SI'ing you can't be encouraging impulse spending!" I realized that being with T also has another benefit-- it's like being in a really fabulous book club. :-)

I told him that although I don't feel as though I want to stop, I know that it has gotten out of control. He said that just the fact that I called him to let him know could mean that deep down, there is a part of me who wants it to stop. Or at least diminish the behavior. He said that we needed to approach this differently than the usual analytical way. He said, "Let's at least try to come up with a plan to limit the behavior until you see me. If you need that release, I understand, but let's come up with a number-- the number of nights you are allowed to SI and the number of cuts." I said, "This is a weird conversation." And he said, "Yes it is. It is very behavioral." So I said.... Two. I said there are two night left until I see you, I will allow myself two times. And then he asked, "How many?" And again I told him two. Two nights, two cuts. Then he asked, "Could you please not SI tonight?" And then he moved my appointment up... it was supposed to be Saturday, but he moved it back to Friday (today). I didn't SI that Wednesday night. It was partly because I made a promise to him, and partly because I was so exhausted and washed out from having a really bad flare up of my IBS when I got home from school.

Last night I used my two.

I was writing in my journal beforehand about the idea of stopping not for myself, but for T. I mean, I guess there is a part of me that wants to control the behavior for some reason-- for aesthetic purposes at the very least. But it's sort of scary to me that when T asks me to promise not to do it, I don't. I guess you could say that's good for behavioral purposes, but that's not how I operate, lol. It's just amazing how much of a force he is in my life-- that I feel as though I am changing this behavior right now not so much for me, but more for him. Not even for my husband.

But with SI, the emotions accompanying the here-and-how of the act, and the ones that go along with the aftermath, are very different.

I honestly cannot even standing waiting the next eight hours to see him. There are days when I know that the connection will be there during the session; days that I know I am going to feel safe when I walk in there. I haven't had a day like that since before he went away-- today is definitely one of those days.