I've been trying to improve myself to one day be good enough for a healthy relationship. It sometimes feels like I'm climbing out of an endless black hole and I want to give up. I have o my started realizing how deeply insecure I've been my whole life.
I'm 22 and when I as in highschool I never once thought about being pretty or dating, I never even looked in the mirror and thought about looks. I just assumed people were born pretty or not and that was the life they got. I never saw any part of myself in a woman who was pretty and desired in movies, for example. Very rarely did people tell me I was pretty. One time the guys on the cross country team I an on said I was the prettiest on the team, and they were really attractive and I though there were other pretty girls than me. I ignored the comment at the time not really getting it, but years later I really find myslef staring in the mirror for several minutes moving in different angles trying to see if I'm pretty and waiting for it to just feel like a yes or no answer.
Although I've been getting better lately I started looking into the topic of feminity and I now feel like I am carrying a new ton of bricks. All these articles say feminity is something within. And women who aren't afraid to embrace their women-ness. Now whenever I as girls wearing high heels, done up hair and flowing dresses there is a self hating and I guess jealous part of me that I suppress really deeply, but even seeing women like this feels like it ruins my day. Its like a reminder that I don't have the charm that would ever keep a man around. I feel angry at the idea that I'm not good enough and not woman enough and don't talk with a high pitched voice or trance round in flowy dresses in heels. It makes me feel worthless and I don't wanna go out or date at all because I just know someone prettier than me will walk by
I have started to not really care about my looks, I wear my hair the exact same and feel uninspired and lacking energy to be pretty or "feminine"
Another thing is I always read that being feminine is being authentic but I feel like all the things about me are not feminine. Which makes me wonder if im just repressing everything. I feel extremely uncomfortable wearing anything bright revealing or super feminine because it attracts attention and I already feel clammed up like I can't wait to escape every encounter. I feel like I am always hypersensitive of my body my clothes and people around me. I don't trust men to be loyal and truly want someone like me.