LittleLeah -

I feel for you so much. I'm in a similar situation but have been advocating as best as I can to get alternative treatments and tests done. Hear are some things that may be worth looking into:

- Genetic testing through Genesight. It is just a cheek swab on your part and then they analyze your DNA and give you a comprehensive report on how your body metabolizes psychiatric meds, opiates, whatever you are testing for. It also tests for certain genetic markers that would make it harder for your body to effectively use medication. I found out that my brain does not metholize folic acid (Lmethofolate) well and by taking a prescription supplement (Deplin) I can increase my body's ability to respond to psych meds. It's supposed to be free to those with insurance who make under $50,000 a year.

- Ketamine Infusion - the research is compelling and the turn around time for improvement is very quick. Most studies specifically target people with treatment resistant, intractable depression. There are ketamine clinics all over but they completely rip you off, charging anywhere from $500-$1,000 for a single infusion. Luckily there are a lot of clinical trials going on using ketamine and if you can get into one, they usually pay you to participate.

- I would look into ECT and TMS yourself and not be dissuaded by your Pdoc. The research around TMS is much less compelling than ECT but it is certainly less risky and couldn't hurt to try.

- There are certain programs at prominent psych hospitals around the country that focus on taking a fresh look at people with treatment resistant mental illness. The ones I looked at were short inpatient stays. Unfortunately some cater to "celebrities" and are self-pay only with a staggering price. But I'd hope that not all of them are like that.

I hope this helps. I just want you to know that there ARE options. You are also not alone in feeling hopeless and devastated because it feels like nothing works. I am in the middle of a devastating depressive episode and am basically confined to my bed. Like you said, I feel like I need some help, some relief before I can actively help myself again. Yet I've tried so many meds and therapy programs and nothing helps. I'm waiting for a ketamine trial that starts in 4 weeks. Just eeking by until then.

Sending you strength <3