I've struggled with mental illness for a long time now, and have always felt able to put words to how it feels when I'm not well. Almost two months ago, I fell into a depressive episode worse than anything I've experienced before. I prided myself in the past on being able to "function" and "put on a smile" no matter what. But what I am experiencing currently has completely sidelined me. I rarely leave my bed. My body feels like it's a concrete slab whenever I try to move. I'm exhausted, an exhaustion I've never felt to this extent, and no amount of sleep will quell it. My thoughts and cognition feel diluted, like they are moving through water. I oscillate between depressed, inconsolable, and numb. It's frustrating for me, as I try to get a grip on what my life has become. But it's been incredibly difficult for my supports to understand how I could be so disabled by my depression. I try to explain but I feel like I'm not doing it any justice. I have family members that are psychologists, and even they have trouble conceiving the level of my lethargy and mental distress.

The best way I think I can describe it, is like someone reached into me and tore out my soul. Everything that I was (bright, active, achieving, brave) was so suddenly and completely obliterated. I wish I had a better way of conveying this to my supports whose earnest words and behavior show their lack of comprehension. I feel so helpless to help myself and so helpless to help them understand.

So my wordiness aside, my question is this: how do you describe your depression? What image, memory, state of mind best encapsulates it? How do you help others enter your mind enough to understand without overwhelming them?

Love and healing to you all,

runningonresilience