part of what was weird about it was that i was trying to talk about stuff that i'm really confused about. i mean, i've tried to talk about this stuff before, but i really don't think he gets how important it is to me. or i really don't think he gets how much it has affected me. or something. this time... i think he was getting it, though. he said something about how it 'sucks to feel powerless' and it reminds him of when i told him about how i used to go to my room as a kid in order to retain some control.

i didn't really know what to say about that. so i started ranting about all kinds of other stuff.

sometimes... sometimes i get in this really angry place and i say things that i think are unfair later. i think i did that. and while i was doing it things were going kinda black and i realised that i was inside myself. inside my defensive fort or something. i remembered thinking 'i'm not powerless' and feeling a little indignant. i mean... i don't figure i need to protect myself from him...

but maybe... i'm not happy with expressing dependency either (which i have been). and maybe... i need to show him that i have a defensive fort and so he can't hurt me anyway he can't he can't HE CAN'T (and if i say it often enough then maybe it will be true).

i suppose... it was a good session really. good in the sense of productive. it is just that last time i felt so connected to him and so... kind of harmonious with him. this time i felt... seperate. indignant. aloof (kind of though trying to connect really genuinely trying as best i could).

maybe... after dependency is expressed then anger / hostility / attempts to individuate tend to follow. maybe... next tuesday will be better.

i have this urge to send him an email saying that i appreciate that a lot of what i said was really unfair and that i was just not in the best place... that i realise it is more about my %#@&#! than anything else...

trouble is: narcissism. its there lurking in me somewhere and sometimes it comes out (or sometimes i become aware of it). and when i become aware of it i feel so self conscious... so hyperaware. and i feel... disgusted. repulsed. nauseous.

i've figured out that there is this thing he does when i'm in the midst of one of my narcissistic rants. he pushes his legs forward instead of resting his feet flat on the floor and he kind of leans back into his chair. maybe... he is doing it to try and give me some space... it feels like... well... i thought... he was feeling narcissistic about then. but its me... its me... he is mirroring me and i'm projecting. :-(

why is it...

that i don't mind narcissism in some other individuals (though not in all admittedly) but i find it truely abhorrent in me? when i struggle with it in other people is it because they are more similar to me? how are they/me different from the first bunch? painful. maybe... maybe this relates somewhat to mouses stuff... i never could be narcissistic. empathy. i had to be a mindreader so i could jump from the hand BEFORE it flew my way. it was never about me. never. so this primative desire for it to all be about me for a time. me me me i think i want to throw up.