i have been trying to pay attention to things... pulling my attention to things and trying to really notice my surroundings... been trying to do the breathing stuff and even trying to count stuff but it doesnt really seem to be helping
seems to be getting worse... maybe im just doing it all wrong, just trying to get out of my head but i seem to be trapped in here, but i dont really know whats happening and i cant really ... like.. well im having a really hard time trying to find words to describe it because it just seems so bogus, so far out there, like im the only one on the planet that is experiencing this.. i mean i know on some level thats not true, but its what it feels like.. like this is all just an elaborate illusion, joke, some type of game my mind is playing on me... but then i remind myself, why cant i remember anything..? with each passing day it seems to be increasing, im afraid im going to completely forget everything and not be able to recall anything.. but at the same time on some level i feel like im doing this to myself... like its all my fault...
i dont even know who i am anymore... i just have these type masquerades... but during these moments i am the masquerade, its who i am, but i lose it as quickly as it comes and i end up forgetting that too.. sitting alone, here, i feel like a shell... i mean i dont know what i feel, i cant understand what emotions and feelings are at this point... and i dont know if that makes any sense... i can be extremely analytical and it has to add up, if it doesnt add up i have to make it add up in some way - smashing the numbers together until it looks like they add up even if it doesnt.. but im so... blah - im just so complex i cant figure myself out at all and the more i look, the more i try, the more everything seems to hide and elude me... i don't feel much of anything, but i feel a great deal of everything in other parts of my being - some how - and i cant explain it...

so tired of not having the explanation... not understanding... confusion... i've lived with a horrible memory my entire life so its osmething you grow used to i guess.. and something everyone around you gets used to... but i cant stand the confusion, i cant stand not having the answers, i can be so obsessive at times in trying to decode things and figure things out because if it sparks my interest i have to know, i have to... and this is myself, realizing that i dont know what i am even, who i am, what is happening to me, what has happened in my life, where i am at in life, what of my future?

i guess you could say that i do feel extremely trapped... i am absolutely driving myself mad, utter insanity
running in circles, because i cant remember what paths i have already taken... cant remember if i already did this, or read that, or contemplated on this... or fought off that... argued with myself over this.. or came to a conclusion on that... this is ludicrous... and it just has to be a bad dream, how could reality become so... twisted....

i am tired... but my mind continues on its own, i want to quit but it doesnt care, i fear falling backwards and returning to a past self, drinking... drinking.... turn it off, i cant handle it so i drink and drink and drink...

i have tried to explain a couple of times to my mom, but every single time i try to explain anything about what i "Feel" -- i am returned with a response of that they experience the same thing, they feel that too, no one can ever just say "that sounds hard.. im sorry you are struggling" when i know for a fact they aren't feeling what i feel... maybe it just seems so exciting that they think its cool and fun.... but im so tired of not knowing who or what i am, just tired of this because im going to die... and not have a memory of my own to claim...

but whatever... none of it makes sense... and i guess it doesnt really matter... im not going to remember....

the pain comes, the pain goes... my hearts desire never shows...
the lights wane, the plight grows... these seeds of justice i painfully sow...
i want freedom, to be released... for this war to be ceased...
let me go, let me go, let me go