My dx of a bipolar mood disorder actually goes back to about 7 years ago, when I was dx'ed with cyclothymia along with borderline.

You probably know how I feel about diagnoses, but for the purposes of this discussion I'm using them anyway.

I do have many smaller, reactive depressions... intense mood changes that are not characteristic of bipolar... But I also experience (and always have, for the last 10 years) long depressive episodes that seemingly "come out of nowhere."

I would never get mad at you for undermining the promise of hope-- I've been on enough meds to know that if they work, it's just a bonus for me. I don't become overly hopeful at the prospect of medication because just like you, I am more apt to see the other side, the strange possibilities, the questions, etc.

To be quite honest with you, when the doc said "Lithium" I said, "What the %#@&#!?" I started out with-- no way, there is is not even the slightest chance that I will try this.... to starting it tomorrow.

I thought about the lethal drugs to lethal people saying yesterday... A couple semesters ago I gave a presentation in my psychopharmacology class in regards to the benefits and contraindications of meds for people with borderline personality d/o. And I highlighted that point-- that if you are dealing with suicidality don't give a drug with such lethal potential.

However, I do know myself and I believe I am quite convincing when I am being authentic-- so I believe that is why my doctor trusts me with this drug-- because I would never use in a lethal way on purpose. Never. The best way to prevent suicide by overdose? An anxiety disorder, lol. I'd be too scared at what would happen. I have read about people who tried to commit suicide with Lithium, failed, and ended up with the extreme toxic effects.

When I get depressed, the symptoms (unlike the cycles of my moods), are rather classic. Psychomotor retardation, inability to concentrate, loss of interest in everything, constant tearfulness, etc., etc.

Overall, I identify much more with the personality d/o spectrum rather than the mood spectrum. However, I am guess I'm looking at it like my pdoc and T are-- the symptoms that we need to reduce rather than the label and the typical things that go along with it. My pdoc said to me, "I put you down as bipolar II for insurance purposes, but your case is very atypical." I would think that he would hesitant to say borderline because how can you label someone that when you've only met them once? I didn' t tell him nearly enough for him to be able to determine that.

Anyway, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose myself. But I want to feel better. I'm willing to try.