I'd like to help you see some things. I have highlighted certain things you have written:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TwistedHell
my current situation isn't what I was talking about, but basically my husbands been arrested, all my children have been questioned by police, I don't really want to talk more about that on this thread, I have another thread that has that information.. as explaining that is what I've been doing all day to family... my first boyfriend, things got so bad so much faster I figured he already was not very nice, he progressed alot with me from emotional to physical abuse, I was the first women he ever hit, so I feel like maybe I changed him from just a mean jerk into an abusive jerk, I felt like that ever since I found out he's abused women since I left.. alot faster then with me... my second serious boyfriend whom I married I saw past all "type" regulations thinking my "type" is clearly defective (I had boyfriends in-between they just weren't serious and also were all jerks even faster then my first bf) and he wasn't fake like the others, from the start the others only ever said nice things where as he.. said nice, and stupid things that probably should have earned him a playful slap (if I believed in hitting people) I was upfront with him about everything, before we started seeing each other, maybe I should have been less trusting? (but trusting is my nature) i told him what was and was not acceptable to me, and for 6 years I believed he was keeping that trust, as clear as he could (because I had a few things that even I thought where on the verge of crazy I over looked those) that is 6 year of lieing.. how can someone lie about everything for that long, unless I changed them? or unless I'm just really not supposed to be happy? maybe I'm just here (on earth) to weed out bad people have them arrested and never really stay happy?
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Who told you that you were the 'first woman" Jerk #1 ever hit? That is probably
untrue, and
most men go through their entire lives never having hit a woman--
Jerk #1 is at fault, not you.
The 'told him what was and wasn't acceptable, how can someone lie about everything, said some stupid things [that rose to the level of a hypothetical slap]' is a template for an unhealthy, unhappy situation.
I can't tell you the number of times I have heard women say "I told him I don't care what you do to me, but don't hurt my kids". To a man who abuses women, he hears permission [which he wouldn't need because he lives outside common decency anyway] to abuse this woman. In your situation you inadvertently laid out all the areas where your husband was going to have to lie to get what he wanted
without your knowledge.
So what does all that mean? In my situation, men abused and took advantage of me. But I lived with an internal belief that I did not deserve decent treatment and my experiences fed and reinforced that belief. Until I put a stop to that poor treatment and ousted every unkind creep out of my life. Yes, I was alone for awhile. But I stuck with my resolve. If I came across people who were nice and then revealed themselves to be jerks, I cut them out of my life. And over time I have developed good, solid, mutually respectful friendships where I know the people have my best interests at heart and I have theirs at heart too. If I wanted to get married again, I have no doubt that now I would find someone nice. Because I now know what genuine good behavior is.
If you've lived with this husband for six years and he's lied about everything, get rid of him, I say. He's not going to change, and your marriage was based on a lie. But
you can change. You can explore what healthy self-esteem is, what a healthy relationship is, and learn to live on your own without a man to abuse you along the road of life. And once you can are in that place, you can start looking for a decent man to share your life with. Courage!