well, im just searching for myself...
searching for a map...
an understanding...
the truth, an escape - or deliverance...
where i am?
where have i been?
where am i going?

"lost in a maze of worlds..."

i dont really know anymore... i just feel like i cant give up, i cant succumb to the madness... i cant let it over take me... i dont want it to take me over, to lose this that i thought i was... but i never knew what i even thought i was anyway so i dont know why it even matters...
i guess its just the fear of the unknown, not knowing where i will land if i let go... not knowing where i will end up if i stop running... not knowing what will happen if i let go, but its taking so much out of me to squeeze ahold of these grips i have on this mind, the prison i created myself to contain every little hurt and pain and ugly truth that i have ever realized...
its not so bad to do when you contain big bad wolves... but when you start boxing up butterflies, bunnies, box everything up because you dont want to face the reminders, the ones that you know a behind the nice faces...
i guess you lose too much... too much is gone and you forget too much and you just dont know what to do anymore... i just know im going to inevitably see myself as the enemy and box myself too... but what will happen to me... im afraid....

i guess i just dont realize that i have already boxed myself...
the bad stuff is supposed to be over, but its really not... im living with these little pushes... they are still around me and releasing the same energies they did when i started this i guess.. they dont realize that they are triggering me because i guess they think they are not doing anything wrong... maybe they aren't doing anything wrong and im just too super sensitive to any type of agressive negative force or whatever... and then to have this person that tried to kill us to be released from prison soon, and to have them talking about needing to sign release papers to take on certain type of responsibilities so they will have a place to come find him if he goes psycho again.. its no wonder its getting worse... no wonder everything in my mind is scrambling around, rushing, looking for answer, need to know what to do, now!! need to know so i can stop this... so i can face it and not be afraid... but i cant stop it... i know there are only a couple options that i have if i come face to face with him again...
i will freeze... disappear completely inside...
or i will kill him... changing into the rage... blacking out...
or i will run into the woods... run... run.... keep running....
i will probably do all 3 of those....

i froze so many times... im so tired of this... all i ever wanted was to be happys...

i lost myself...

i tell them that i dont want to see him, that i will kill myself if they let him come live here with us - or i will kill him
my dad doesnt seem to understdand... he is like, well i wouldnt want to be locked in prison... and i am like, he tried to kill me!!!

im just a big baby i guess.... sick and tired

please deliver me... give me strength... i have to escape... i cant handle this... turn it off, i must go away














i guess im stuck, im trying to just not even think about it because right now there is no answer and i know there isn't anything "I" can do... its like telling a computer virus to clean itself up and repair the damage done
i guess i just created an illusion of a new life, but i cant really recognize it, one where i didnt experience any of the bad stuff, you know? i dunno how i have gone so long without fixing it, but i didnt know what i was doing
now im faced with this dilemma; i have this life i thought i was fine, everything was ok, but i have this life that is real that has been really bad... and maybe i just cant accept that this is my life, that is my life, or whatever..

i wish things could of been different, no one deserves to experience things like that... and i dont even remember everything, but the flashbacks and stuff i do have are horrible, i just want to stop it you know...?
would like to pretend nothing happened... just be ok, why cant i just be ok?
my brothers aren't so messed up like me... i mean they continued their lives and im stuck, frozen in a thought, a pattern of escape, im not even real.. im just a memory or created illusion that makes me think that i am fine, i dont know if i could handle all of the pain if it all came, so i guess i disconnect it.. completely... i dont want anything to do with it... but you get hurt because you lose parts of yourself, and you start to realize you're not whole...
why didnt the others get so affected..? why did this happen to me? i wanted to be doing so many different things by this time, but at this rate i'll just continue getting older... more ashamed... with no life, and not the ability to even create one - because i dont know what to do or what i want or where to go or how to manage..

my sister has a little one now and i look at her and feel like, you know it makes me happy and i really love her but it makes me feel like i wanted to have the happiness she has... at a year old... and my brothers have kids / having kids and getting married and going to college and....
i just feel so pathetic
i try not to think about it but im on a merry go round, but im also not on it and im going in rotations seeing the outside world oscillate while simultaneously watching myself from the outside on the inside, on the inside from the outside - so i wont let myself forget, but i desperately want off and no matter how hard i try to grab myself from the outside its going too erratically for me to rescue myself...

i just tell myself what i have told myself from the beginning, these things dont last... close your eyes and it will be over, but you open your eyes and you are there in your mind still, although you are here now ...
i guess im just having a lot of trouble because its not over for me, i KNOW that this person is going to come back here and he's going to do his usual routine... make everyone trust him, and then try to burn the house down or something... while everyone else is giving him a chance, i sit hyper alert, in panic state, knowing, waiting, its coming.... i cant handle it much longer... i am so tired... i just want the night mare to end... if its not one thing... its another... right...? hehe...

i think im going to close my eyes for a few days... i have until the first before i can see the therapist again, even then im not sure what good its going to do because i cant seem to remember the things she tells me or we talk about... but she wanted me to do that notes thing with the moods or whatever and i really have no clue how to... so i just seem to continue to write random thoughts... and i guess just maybe, maybe i will trick myself into taking it to her.. but i am terrified because the moment i let someone else inside... when they are able to see me, whatever i am, where ever i am in this head, i will have to see me too... and i dont know if i want to do it...

so much shame... pain... and i cant get them to even give me a klonopin or a valium... if they dont soon, i know im going to just start drinking again... i am fighting it now, but im growing weaker and the will to escape is growing stronger and im just going to lose it... and ill disappear from here again, from these forums, from my mind, and i wont know when i will come back again because it will be too late

all i want is to be happy, i just wanted to be happy, to feel good, to not feel pain.. its so hard