Doing this practice has raised my awareness. I don't treat myself very well. This morning I noticed I "wanted" to start up negative thoughts. I also realized I was hungry but I didn't have any food in the house...not even for breakfast. So I immediately wrote up a grocery list and went and shopped and with great care bought healthy foods, and came home and prepared a healthy brunch.

I also have another observation. Although I have never engaged in physical self-harming, I think that negative self talk is kind of like mental self harm. When tension starts to build up I think I have been using negative self-talk as a way of letting off steam, or releasing tension. I don't think I need to say here what kind of negative self-talk I am talking about. It can be very brutal.

Now I am trying to interrupt that circuitry. I guess I am applying some DBT skills.

I still felt bad when I was I was at the grocery store but at least I was moving around, and doing something productive and not self-destructive.

I am not saying this is easy. But so far it is working. When I want to engage in mental negativity I remember my 24 hour contract. I have also been filing "reports" at the end of each 24 hour period.

Personally I feel like I am at a fork in the road. There are two signs. One says, "Negative Self Talk, Suicidal Ideation, Poor Self Image" and this sign points down a road that is dark and filled with bad stuff like the forest in the Harry Potter movies. The other sign says, "24 Hour Contract of Loving-Kindness" and it points down a road that is misty with glowing light and sparkling stars all around it.

Which road do I want to take when I wake up in the morning? I have a choice. I can choose and let my feet carry me forward.