Please, I suffered long term emotional abuse by my brother and mother and went into therapy, i immediately started taking antidepressives (sertralin) for about 6 months and went in therapy, In those 6 Months a weird NLP programmer approached me at the jobcenter. At first i thought he wants to start up a youtube project with me(he was a trainer there for educational courses, but he is also a sociologist) 2 weeks after i met him he already bought Filming equipment worth 2k Euro. I became sceptical at this point, googled him up and figured out he is a NLP programmer, and he also used several NLP techniques onto me and he also knew i took antidepressives.
After a while i ended up in a group of those people, also a high and reknown judge and we discussed political stuff. At some point one of them actually mentioned something about teaching people "Elitist" way of thinking.
I was always sceptical and looking up for proper news etc., they just provided me some insight how politics and media works and stuff and based on that it changed my way of thinking about society a bit.
Anyways after i stopped taking antidepressives i had a breakdown because during the time i took antidepressives they(either the therapist or the Jobcenternlpguy) made me do things i never wanted to do (mechantronics apprenticeship).
As soon as it went off I suffered from an Acute pancreatitis aswell, started to hate myself even more for doing things i never actually wanted and falling for it, but they kinda forced me to "like" it. I am ****ing creeped out at this point.
Not only that after that happened my therapy lasted another 6 Months (i lost my trust into my therapist at this point), but since im depressed and helpless i sticked to her with some hope. In the last 6 sessions she provoked me so extremely and then aprubtly quit the therapy(End of January), she also tried to downtalk waht has happened to me. Since that time i hate myself, have sudden anger issues if i have to think about what happened to me in my childhood(those triggers can be anything, just someone talking about my mother, or just realizing that i am alone and suffering because of this) makes me Angry as **** and i can't do ****, i can only deal with it by hating myself or in extreme cases hurting myself with biting etc...
Besides that i lost any interest and fun in going out bicycling and developed Psychosomatic backpain. Seriously now. The Therapy and antidepressives made everything worse. I don't know what but the whole **** changed me somehow and i hate myself for it. I dont want this, i never wanted this.
What shall or can I do? im so ****ing desperate.