this feels so stupid, maybe its not dissociation at all?
im really annoyed, i dont know why i cant just drop it and do what i normally do..
everything really is fine, if i just stop being a little cry baby and stop dwelling on stupid things that dont even matter ..
i dunno why i keep going back to the same thing, im being so stupid..
i think that im just really tired and im over reacting to trivial things... why would i keep doing that?
if i realize that im just blowing things out of proportion i should be able to just chill out
i just keep forgetting this simple simple fact..
i just need some smoke, smoke and everything gets better
sigh
really frustrating when you get on your own nerves..
edit::
im gonna drive myself crazy doing this.....
clearly i am dissociating some how... reminds me of something i wrote... in the journal
4/28/2016...
Quote:
I dont know how i do it
all i can say is that there must be a way
I am stuck in a moment... while time stands still
the world spins freely, against my will...
what i see cannot be
the things of dark and empathy
my mind runs rampant
with these things damnit...
but i move through the time in glue
making sure my survival is too
the end comes near
steer away as i send
my soul to another world
where i can rest and unfurl
the pains i gained
scars that stained
my soul being untamed
the hate i feel for myself is the love that i desire...
the love i have for myself is what hate inspired...
strength is among the battle torn, onward we march..
my soul has sworn..
i love you, when you cant love anymore
let us go together... evermore...
|
why does this keep happening... i cant take it anymore.....
i cant... im making myself sick... im going to really go insane if this keeps happening, how can i believe any of this is real when i cant even seem to understand my own thoughts or feelings or beliefs or... whatever....
just making a fool out of myself and adding to the shame...
but i am the fool, to throw my self around like this... how is this even possible... to get so confused... to be sure of something, but not remember why you were sure of the contrary before - but sure you are sure, only to have it happen again... and to just give up.... not sure about anything... but that doesnt last either because ill be sure again... but there is no solidarity... i... its no wonder i argue with myself so much... i just want to sleep.. im tired of weeping... please make it stop...
words are empty, words are plenty...
meanings are lacking, time is snapping...
strength depleting, sanity receding...
escapes closing, the mind exploding...
information surprise, what i despise...
thoughts galore, battles wars...
storms permitting, pains emitting...
souls torment, my souls torment...
searching answers, dodging lancers...
lost myself... in this maze...
i want a different life... i dont want this....
im going to distance myself from speaking for a while...
although i say this but probably wont abide by it later...
i keep putting my foot in my mouth...
sorry for being so convoluted... just hope im not disturbing anyone as the way i am disturbing myself
i dont know what to do....
