I've had that sort of dissociation before, its heaven compared to everything else. I understand the desire. I was told by my social worker at the hospital that when there's no dissociation and you are forced to deal with the flashbacks, hallucinations etc., that is your brain trying to process it consciously in an effort to heal.
I know it's harder and a kind of hell I never want to wish on anyone, but it's a necessary evil in order to recover what you lost during the trauma, or at least adapt.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this and I hope that you will eventually be able to heal. You can PM me if you ever need to talk to someone but don't want it public. I'm not religious, what so ever, but I'll pray to whom ever's out there that you'll get better.