I'm sorry this is so long!

My T and I have a complicated history about emailing. Six years ago when I first started seeing her, she let me email and she answered them all. At that time my emails were pretty short. I like to write and was happy with T's responses.

I'm not sure when it changed. She wrote briefer replies to my longer emails and I became disappointed. We discussed it and decided she wouldn't answer my emails but I could still write as much as I wanted to. I don't think I was too happy with that. At one time, T said I could write one email per week. Then she tried not emailing me back at all. We discussed these various changes first.

When my husband become sick, T started answering all my emails again. Then later it turned into a routine of my writing a lot the day of or after my session to process it. T would answer briefly once during the week. I accepted that. In addition, I would sometimes send her photos I took of my family or of my artwork. She always said she enjoyed seeing them. I was happy with the email situation.

A couple of months ago my T brought up the suggestion of journaling instead of emailing her to process my session. Actually, another time in the past she tried to encourage me to stop emailing her but I couldn't keep it up. I tried again and could do it for one week, but it's very hard for me to go the whole week. I seem to need the connection, and the brief email from her. I've bought it up in every session, and T keeps telling me I can still email her, that she only said to be curious about journaling instead. I don't like journaling. I used to, before computers. I tell so much on PC, I'm afraid to do that in a blog or online diary. One place is enough.

I know T wants me to stop. She told me that I'm her only client who emails except for scheduling. When I asked if she wanted me to stop emailing, she said "yes." She keeps bringing up that the goal is for me to be able to process my sessions by myself, and to eventually be able to quit seeing her. She also said that when I email about my session, and want to talk about what I wrote ( she never brings up anything I email about in session), I'm not in the present with her. She wants me to be there with her in the session. How I feel right then, and how my body feels. To be present.

At the same time she says I can still email! So I'm confused! I emailed this week how I feel, and she wrote that we will discuss it again. I wrote that everything she does for me is because I'm her JOB. I know that's the way it's supposed to be, but I don't understand something. Who says the rules of therapy can't be changed? You aren't allowed to have a romantic or physical relationship with your T, but what is wrong with an email exchange? It doesn't make me MORE attached to her. I think it makes it less. I email and she answers once briefly. She rarely addresses any therapy concerns anyway in her email back, so what is the big deal? What's wrong with sending her photos? I don't email every day. It's NOT excessive.

I feel very hurt by her attitude. I know she's not abandoning me, and she cares very much, but this time I can't get around the thoughts "you don't want me" and "I'm just your job." I like to listen to my T so in spite of her repeatedly saying she never said I can't email, I know she doesn't want me to. We rarely have ruptures, but this is a big deal to me, and it seems like she doesn't understand.

It's not really about emailing but about our relationship. It's not what I thought it was. She's always encouraged my real relationships, and I have been doing much better in my life. I just don't want to give up the closeness to my T.