hi,

I have an anxiety disorder. My Doc says i am Hypochondriac. I don't know if thats a 100 % right, coz thats my affliction. Theres always a part of me that says "what if...he's wrong, and it all goes spiralling downhill from there. Every desire and passion that burns inside me, they all get tested every day, i say, I want a family of my own, feel loved and spread love, and my mind puts a thousand hurdles in front of me. Like what if i cant control the anxiety and seeps into my professional life, i'll lose my job, who'll marry an unsuccessful person and on and on it goes. Im sure you all are pretty much familiar with this loop of thoughts and counter-thoughts that runs endlessly inside your head.

The harder part is that I'm literally in it alone. I live in India. There are no support groups, no psychologists (sure there are people studying and researching and teaching psychology, but no one is actually helping people, none that ive found) . We do have psychiatrists, who prescribe pills without explaining the side effects or how it'll work. Ive had to learn it all myself. After a year of going through ****** shrinks, ive now found a decent one. so one good thing is that i'm finally on the right meds.

My parents or the society here has literally no clue about how to take care of people with mental illness. My friends and familly's way of helping me is, by telling me to " Be Happy" , "dont think negative thoughts". Thats about all the help i get out here.

The only thing keeping me going through all of this is this part, thats buried deep down inside of me, that sometimes gets temporarily inaccessible when clouded by threatening thoughts, yet it always lets me know that, like your heart, even if you cant hear me some times its still there, this part of me that refuses to let go of the belief that good things will happen no matter what, refuses to give up hope, even if noone comes for help.

This piece of writing is the same stubborn resilient part of me, asking for help, looking for hope, a sliver of light in this state of darkness. I dont neeed much, id settle for a friend whom i could talk to every once in a while. Someone who's going through, or have gone through, a similar experience, who understands what its like to live with this sickness. Someone who hasnt given up hope altogether. Maybe if light could find light and it'll shine a little brighter.