Stefano, very well put regarding your brain 'on depression', so to speak.

It takes effort to believe there's a way I'll ever get better, because I've tried so many things and I'm still not ok. I've told my T I think I'm just defective; she says that's the depression talking, not reality.

But even at my worst, when I believed my brain was not capable of getting ok again, I *still wanted* to get better.