Hello Atoll: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm afraid that, in reading your post, there is a lot of this I simply don't understand. So I'm hesitant to write too much about it. What is apparent is that you got into some stuff that you now regret. And you're extremely down on yourself for this. That is something I can certainly relate to.

Unfortunately I'm afraid the answer for this is more of what you've already had... therapy. I know you wrote that your experience with the therapist you were seeing went poorly... maybe even made matters worse. The reality is that not every individual who wants / needs therapy works well with any therapist. One has to find a particular therapist that one feels comfortable with. And this can take time. It's a process of trial-&-error.

You need to work through what happened with you. And the appropriate place to do this is in therapy. So my suggestion here is simply to seek out a new therapist... one in whom you can have confidence. Of course, different medications are an option too. There are a lot of them you can try. But they're not going to resolve your issues, only mask your symptoms.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!