I debated as to whether to post this here or in the Psychotherapy forum. To be honest, I've stayed far away from this forum. I suppose I'm scared to be here. But, I also know that I can't hide forever and having support around my dissociative disorder could be beneficial. Forgive me, though, as this may be long.

I have been diagnosed with DID. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. Actually, I believe I was diagnosed the year before, but was unwilling to acknowledge it. Even now, it's a struggle to accept. The truth is, I knew I was DID before then. I don't remember when I figured it out, but I did know. And, when the diagnosis came 3 years ago, it wasn't a shock. Terrifying, but not a shock. I was in residential when the diagnosis came and, thankfully, my providers did whatever they had to in order to work with me. Some were experienced and others were not, but they were all willing to learn. And, it made a huge difference as we really started working on things. However, when I left residential and was sent to another facility, I shut down. Briefly, I considered working with a specialist close to home. But, we were not a match and there was no way I would have felt comfortable with her. Trust would've been impossible.

Last year, I started therapy again for my ED and other issues. I was feeling comfortable with my therapist and I was desperate for someone to know what was going on. I made the decision, a couple months in, to tell her. Big mistake! She told me she had no experience with DID and that she didn't know if it was real. Mind you, she worked with severe mental illness at her "day job." She was not unfamiliar with mental illness. She then had the gall to ask me, point blank, if I was making it up and telling stories to get her attention. After shutting down, she told me she believed me, but also said that I would never dissociate with her if I trusted her. And, she said that she'd know if I didn't trust her because dissociation only happens with people you don't trust. I knew this was wrong, but I felt so much shame that I just agreed and nodded. I did dissociate with her, but she never acknowledged it and she would admonish me for acting out. Thankfully, I am no longer seeing her. But, it really did a number on my head. And, rightfully so, I think my parts are afraid of ever being known again.

A couple of months ago, I shared my diagnosis with my current therapist. I didn't plan on telling her, but I had started to attach and we had started discussing things about my past and present. And, with that, I started dissociating. I have limited co-consciousness with one part and I could feel her wanting to engage with my T. I sent it to her in text. I expected her to never want to see me again. This isn't her specialty and, as I found out later, she has never worked with someone with DID. But, she has done everything right. She has consulted others (with my anonymity intact) and is wanting and willing to learn. And, while I could find someone who's experienced, I would rather work with my T who I trust and feel safe with. Most importantly, the small part I has share some consciousness with feels safe too. And, that hasn't happened in a long time.

Now, for my question...

When I was in residential, my treatment team did communicate with my parts. But, I don't know if that was normal. I don't know what to expect. I know my young part has been partially present in session. No one else, though, that I'm aware of. This past week, she was present more than I was. I didn't remember much and shared that with my therapist. She said she had thought that my part was present, but that she wasn't 100% sure. She has long said she is more than okay if my parts were to come out. In fact, she hoped she would eventually come to know them so that she could help us. But, I don't know what to expect and it's scary.

How does it look for you, your parts, and your T? Did that help you accept your diagnosis more? Is it helpful to have your therapist communicate with them? Do you feel accepted? I have so many questions. So, if you're willing to share some of your experience or support with me, that would be appreciated and mean the world. My biggest fear is abandonment because I'm too much trouble and not worth all of the effort. I judge myself and punish myself so severely for this. Maybe, in all of this, my hope is that I can learn that I am worthy and okay.