thanks... of course im not trying to insinuate anything in myself...

honestly im a bit reluctant to even know what it is thats going on because i sort of feel like i can say "nothing is going on, nothing is wrong" as long as i dont - some part inside of me is irritated when i try to figure things out, so im trying to learn without applying much to myself...

currently im really confused, i've been like this for some time now... i dont know how long... maybe for ever... seem to have alot of disagreements within myself..
im not really sure what i like, i dont really care... i dont really have favorites, i mean i think i do, but i dont know them... i know i like the color green, green is everywhere how can you not like green? its the only thing i really know, you know what i mean?

i dont know if you guys know what it feels like to be high, or stoned, but i feel like i am stoned pretty much all the time currently... foggy... im not sure whats going on from moment to moment really, at some level im aware, but im not here... i cant remember anything, if i walk outside and sit down to smoke a cig, i will find myself sitting there, and i will look around and feel strange, like i am outside again... how... i dont really remember walking out here... or im sitting here at the computer again, but what was i doing just now? theres a cup sitting in front of me that is empty and had tomato juice in it, i sort of remember getting it earlier but im not sure how long ago it was.. but its like i think i tried to tell the therapist but i dont think i told her very clearly... i rationalize ALOT.. i will put the pieces together and make the assumptions to create the memory, whether or not the memory was real or is there, i will make it so i dont lose my mind...
so when i find myself sitting outside on the steps smoking a cig i realize, i know i walked out here and sat down, i had to of.. does that make sense?

how can i get stuck in a state like this..? is it abnormal for someone to experience something like this for months? years? for their whole life?
is this even a real thing? to like not know anything, but to know things, i know i have derealization and depersonalization... pretty much constantly... just sometimes its more intense...

but this thing about me "teleporting" around... thats what i dont really want to know, i want to know, but part of me is like as long as i dont know i can keep drawing lines from dots and making it seem just fine

i guess lost time is just like when i realize that its a different day, or several hours has gone by without me realizing..? ... wtf... its the 19th? i thought it was the 18th grrr... i could of swore it was the 18th
well.. i guess thats lost time..? man that makes me dizzy... i know i just looked at the clock earlier and it said 6/18

i dunno, maybe its brain damage... thats why it feels like im stoned or something... but its not a feel good stoned, its just like glassy, foggy, distant... and then i cant think or focus... and im confused, with internal problems.. and no memory...
i dont really like thinking about these things, when i focus on it, i dont like the feelings that come up.. and if i keep on something else will wake up and wont stop, so im just trying to becareful...

dissociative amnesia is a disorder in itself right?

when you experience depersonalization, dissociation, amnesia, ect - together - thats what they call osdd ?

i have this 1 memory... the first time i remember zoning way out, seeing the world change... having those strange sensations... the derealization and depersonalization... when i was 4 or 5 years old... playing hide and seek, i just remember finish counting to 10 and turning around and everything ... went crazy... i dunno why, i cant remember... stuff sucked back then...

still cant believe its the 19th...