Hey Perna.

Yeah, I think it was a good session. It didn't *feel* good, but I think it was productive... I need to spend some time processing it, I think. Will try and return to some of it next time.

I don't think I felt angry at my t. Maybe a little repulsed by him... But I realise now I was projecting what I was doing onto my t (which was helped along by his mirroring me, I guess). I was angry at someone else. Strangely enough... I think that I'm only really aware of feeling angry at that other person. And... At people more generally sometimes. It is something that I don't like about myself. I think that my anger at others is mostly about my being uncharitable and my misunderstanding them. I guess... I need to figure out what my needs are and how they might be frustrated. Figure out what is behind the anger. I don't like the anger at all. Find it repulsive.

With the 'me me me' I think it is about narcissism... I mean... It is about 'me me me' in the absence of appropriate empathy for others and in the absence of an appropriate understand of, or appreciation of, appropriate give and take. It is like... People with dysthymia often say that they give more to others than others give to them. If people interview their close friends and family, however, then their family say that they feel like they give more to the person than the person gives to them. One hypothesis is that people with dysthymia have inappropriate conceptions of, or inappropriate appreciation of appropriate giving. Maybe they don't appreciate what it is that others do for them or maybe they don't appreciate that some of their giving isn't appreciated as such by others. I guess I'm thinking that some of that might be going on for me. And my misconceptions... Are what is resulting in my anger.

When people are hurting they do focus in on their hurt and that means they aren't in a position to appropriately empathise with others. My t said something before about how I'm very empathetic (he said it like that was pathological). I think sometimes I am hyper alert / vigilant and that is what he is picking up on... Trying to figure where he is at to know whether I'm in danger or not... But appropriate empathy for others... I think I need to become more empathetic and I think that being able to appreciate things better from others point of view will reduce / alleviate / perhaps even eliminate the anger.

I feel like... I showed him something horrible and distorted and repulsive last session. I guess it was kinda good to share that... But at the same time... I feel quite mortified / horrified with myself.