yeah i have 3 or 4 of these 70 page notebooks... need bigger ones though apparently, the first one is almost full and i started it in april i think..?

i try to write a little as much as possible since my memory is so bad.. to have an idea of what im going through, because its so easy to forget.. but its weird stuff because its just a little strange to read over something when you were hurting so much all you could do was scratch in huge letters across the page "STOP THE PAIN"
and i dont know what i was feeling when i did that... they did diagnose me with somatization disorder so i guess sometimes i just feel stuff..

but it gets weird and im kind of nervous to show the therapist because i dunno why i wrote some of the stuff i did, kind of feel like i was just being retarded and acting crazy or something.. im just scared that if i show it to her she'll think i do have DID or something.. i try not to think about it too much.. if that is what it is then of course i would like to know, but i just dont know.. its hard thing to really believe, it seems like im just making some stuff up.. i just dont want to give a false belief to the therapist and she think i have something i dont have, ya know..
i do know that im not trying to make anything up though... atleast thats what i feel like, i cant talk about it alot though because i dont want to start arguing with myself again..
gets really old when you cant turn it off...

im just sort of wondering if maybe i turned up the amnesia dial and turned the dissociation way up because im pushing buttons and at the same time trying to keep everything from myself :/

trying to take it easy though.. i just can be a bit perfectionistic sometimes and kind of need all the answers, im not arrogant or anything but i just like to know everything so i can make sure i can take care of myself the best i can... which usually i fail at anyway so doesnt seem to matter much

im glad the flashbacks have slowed down though, i keep forgetting about them, hope that i can just keep them forgotten for a while

my memory is so bad i cant wrap my mind around it.. like i keep forgetting what i wrote even just now in these posts, and what you guys said, and then i forget what im wanting to say in the middle of saying it.. if i wasn't so spacey i would get really aggravated :/

edit:
i try to do those grounding things she told me to do, tapping my legg and counting things... and listening and counting things... and the breathing.. even the muscle tension thing.. but they dont really seem to do much..? they seem so simple i dont know how i could be doing it wrong.. when i finish doing it i just feel like, "welp thats over now what"
not really sure what its supposed to do.. help me relax? i already feel calm... relaxed i guess... but im just really spaced out so how could i not be relaxed...? hmm... i mean maybe would help me when i get in those other states where im really hurting or panic attack or .. whatever happens to me.. maybe if one of those states come out i hopefully can remember to try it :/

other than that i've tried to modify it just so i can do it all the time, like ill just look around and "recognize" what im looking at or when i notice something ill look around and notice more things, and try to periodically take some deep breathes and stuff... but that doesnt really seem to help either - maybe i really am dreaming :/ maybe thats why when i go to sleep its always nightmares

honestly i think the reason im like this is because i want to be at some level.. like i know how i am and if i wasn't like this then i would maybe be dead, or worse - half dead
so i just have locked everything up in my mind until i feel confident i can deal with it..?