hey mouse.

i read some stuff... a while back now. it was about transference and about how the nature of the transference changes as part of the working through. there are many different accounts on the way that things have gone with particular patients (case studies, basically). some general patterns emerge... i take note of the patterns that resonate with me. might be that this resonates with you a little.

idealising transference isn't that uncommon in the initial stages. the therapist listens empathetically and expresses concern for the patient. the therapist is reliably (or fairly reliably there for the patient). and so... an idealising transference develops. the therapist is a powerful and benevolent other who provides safety and security and caring and things go on in this vein for a while. the patient gets to express (and deal with fears around) feeling needy and dependent and longing for a secure base.

then... after a time... the nature of the transference changes. instead of longing to merge with an idealised other (part of the previous transference) fears of being subsumed can develop. the patient now needs to experience themselves as seperate and independent from the other. this is a normal process of development. otherwise known as the 'terrible twos' ;-)

maybe... some of this is about the nature of the transference changing. of course the nature of the transference can change from month to month or week to week or hour to hour or even minute to minute. just because things are evolving this way doesn't mean that some sessions won't be like they were before. the connection is still there, but the nature of the connection can take on a different quality. it is an important part of the working through but it can feel hard (more disconnected and alienating) than the previous kind of merger transference.

anger... can be about being a seperate and distinct individual with ones own needs. some people (myself included) needed to be a certain way in order for it to be possible for others to care for me. that didn't mean they cared for me appropriately, but it does mean that i needed to deny / repress my own needs and desires in order to moniter what was going on from them in order to have a chance to be cared for by them.

so now... contrariness... emphasising distinctness from my therapist... expressing anger... asserting my own needs and desires that may well be different from what my therapist thinks i need and desire...

well... it takes a great background of trust to be able to express some of those aspects of oneself. i mean... if i expressed them as a kid i would have been rejected for sure. when i feel some of those feelings... i jolly well want to abandon / reject myself. internalisation of my abusers, i guess. can't believe that my therapist isn't repulsed cause i sure as hell am...

feels hard. wish i could curl up around him sometimes. wish he could hold me. wish i could be subsumed under his care and concern.

but then i'm me i'm me i'm not him i'm not. i have needs and desires seperate from you. so... back to some disconnection again.

its progress mouse. can feel hard at times...
but then... needy dependency could also feel hard at times...

hang in there.

its a kind of a trust that... sometimes its okay to want to disconnect. its okay to disconnect and go ones own way. therapist will be there... will be there... so when we need to refuel with a connection therapist will be there for us willing to do that with us when we need. but therapist can handle us being our own person. its okay for you to walk out of a session early. therapist still cares about you and will be there for you next session if you want to talk or if you want to leave early again. therapist is still there for you whatever you need to do. its okay to be you. all of you is okay. its okay to feel angry. maybe its about... learning about object constancy. its okay for you to go away for a time. t will still be there for you. just like how its okay for therapist to go away for a time. t will still come back to you. its okay :-)