i understand.. i know that i tend to get ahead of myself, i always try to do a million things at once and want to do it all instantly :/
but i know this isn't one of those things i can do that with, its just hard to really stay focused sometimes i guess and i forget or something happens..

i feel fine right now... besides the disconnected feeling, and other minor things of course but feel ok.. just wish that i didn't have to do any of it and that i could just be ok :/
guess thats why i disconnect so much because i dont want it to be my life at all, i wanna do other things, not those things.. ya know? super sucks

im trying to take it easy though and trying to keep reminding myself to slow down and chill out and its not a race or anything that i really need to rush...

i guess its just since im getting older and my life is so messed up that i feel like im running out of time.. will be 27 this year and i cant even take care of myself, dependent on my family and agoraphobic to the extent that i can't work or go to school or create a career or anything and just thinking about those things causes super anxiety to arise
like.. what if my parents die.. they are getting older too and it would be sad and hurtful solely for them to die but then ontop of it my life will be turned even more upside down - having to change my environment, probably live with someone i dont want to at all because i cant live by myself ect ect ect

guess that im just not able to cope or deal with the anxiety and stress at all.. which with this memory problem i forget alot of things that i know i shouldn't do and start to run around in my head frantically trying to repair damage and "fix" things and just end up going about everything all wrong :/ i've tried to "delete" the trauma stuff so many times, just seems like you can push it down and away so far... but the further you push it down the tighter the spring coils and when it bounces back it knocks you on your *****

but everything will be ok... i just have to not freak out and quit therapy again.. just wish i knew what happened last time to make me freak out... im hoping that it was just the anxiety of having to talk to someone about things i didnt even want to acknowledge - i dont talk very much at all, even about pleasant things... so its really hard to talk about anything bad

just bothers me sometimes when i notice things about myself, i can be so weird... but i dont know how to explain because i've read too many things and just confused myself...
im just trying to keep small notes to have a record..

thanks for the responses, i really am ok right now, it just sucks to realize that you keep going through these phases or cycles or shifts and not really being able to remember whats going on really messes with your head... just wish that everything i know would be helpful when i get in those states, but it doesnt seem to matter.. seems to give strength to it and i just end up really driving myself crazy - internally you know :/
gotta hide it all on the surface, cant let others know because i dont wanna make it worse by having someone watching me and asking every 5 minutes if im ok.. gotta have my privacy because im super weird and cant hide it 24/7

:edit
btw, i apologize if i've said anything bad - i read through this thread earlier but cant remember exactly what i said ... just that im weird and probably look like im on drugs or something... but im really not...
dont really want to read through it again, i dont like reading these things over :/
hope that i dont get in any trouble or do anything wrong here.. sometimes it seems like its difficult for me to really be in control of my writing and end up talking about things that i probably shouldnt.. or atleast saying things that i dont normally say.. but maybe its for a good cause, i dont really know :/
it can be embarrassing though..
gonna try to go to sleep now, hope that i can have a night without any bad dreams so i can get some rest..
really tired lately

thanks again.. it really does help knowing that this stuff might be normal.. and that im not crazy crazy... albeit maybe a little crazy, but not like madman crazy.. its easy to feel like a lunatic :/