I keep thinking about yesterday, and leaving T early...Partly I left because I was having mean thoughts about people who have been there for me and I felt that now I didn't need them in the same way, I was wanting to throw them away. I was ashamed of this and I didn't want T to either point this out or even know it...

I started to feel uncomfortable with myself and THEN that turned into a fear I have, that I will start my period and stand up and her white couch with me full of my blood..

The sudden fear of this happening forced me to leave...

I was thinking this morning why do I have that fear? why do I have when I feel awful about myself?

I remember at junior sch, I was about 7 and often in trouble. I got sent to the headmistresses office and she was on the phone and I went to sit on a chair and she told me in a stern voice "NO not in that chair, you dirty little thing"

Even thinking about that now sounds rage and feelings of discust through me.

I guess when I feel bad about myself that is associated with how bad I felt about myself when the headmistress said that to me..I believed her. I was a dirty little thing, I guess I believed she knew me more than I knew myself.

This is what I was afraid of yesterday, that T knew my wicked thoughts i was having before I knew them. That suddenly people I had been hanging onto I wanted to run from, how mean and selfish a person am I to want to do that? To not do what T was going to direct me to and find the goodness in the relationships regardless of my needs changing..

I felt like I was god that had turned into the devil. I have told her all my past abuse and neglect stories where I felt safe because she would be looking at me as a person that has had things "done to her" but now she would see me a an evil person that is "doing too" people.

My security of "victim" is used up, now what is left of me? I become evil. I AM BAD no one could like me if they really knew me. My time has run out, now the evil will be seen.