I think... That everybody has different parts or aspects to them. The part that goes to church can be quite different from the part that goes to the pub can be quite different from the part that plays with the kids can be quite different from the part that goes to work etc. It is normal to be fragemented to a certain extent, and it is normal to have different roles or parts or aspects come to the fore for different circumstances. The person who rigidly enacted the same role at church and the pub and with the kids etc would be pathological in their rigidity.

Where am I going with this? I'm getting there...

One part was a victim. The aspect that has experienced that has some wonderful qualities. Sensitivity to others. Kindness to others (that comes from the sensitivity). Concern for others. Sweetness. Compassion etc. The experience of pain... Can be used for good: It can make us more clued into the pain of others and it can help motivate us to help other people with their pain. I guess that is the good of the 'victim' role. There can be bads associated with the victim role too. Helplessness, passivity, depression, retraumatisation etc. Life can be about... Trying to maximise the strengths so the weaknesses are shored up.

When people have been victimised... There is this thing called 'identification with the abuser'. It is when the rage and disgust and feelings of the abuser... Are internalised into part of oneself. The abuser that tells us that we are worthless and hopeless and will never amount to any good. The abuser that can come out and hurt others when we perceive that they are (or are attempting to) hurt us. The abuser has some strengths too... Anger at injustices means that we can stand up for others or for ourself. There are some good qualities too.

Maybe... With your anger... You are discovering parts of yourself that you were never aware of before. Now that you have a trusting relationship with your therapist for the very first time you are starting to become aware of some of these feelings... And it is pretty scary. Thats not mouse. Mice are quiet and timid and shy little things... They don't hurt people... They don't feel angry. Except that.. Feeling anger is part of the human condition. And so mouse can indeed feel angry and really... Its more of a concern that she never felt angry before.

But... When you become aware of them for the first time... It can feel like an identity crisis. Thats not me! I don't feel those things! If that is me... Then who am I? Who am I again? Seperation... Individuation... Carving out your own identity in life.

Sucks to NEED people. To go out of our way to make sure we are needed by them (so they don't leave us). To forsake aspects of ourself out of fear that that will be unacceptable to them. Maybe... Pushing them away is partly about fear that they will push you away when they find out about these aspects? Maybe...

I... used to think that i was inherently unacceptable. dirty. repulsive. disgusting. i used to have this dream when i was a little kid... i'd be naked and tied to a chair. people would be walking past.... some would walk past, indifferent to me. some would stop and point me out to others and laugh. they would share a moment of mutually condemning me and then move on. some would stop doubled over with laughter. some would snigger. some would throw hard apples at me. i'd wake up feeling disgusting.

now... i don't think i'm inherently unacceptable... but i FEEL that way sometimes. when i get really stressed i can't go out in public because i think people are laughing or thinking bad thoughts about me. sometimes... it becomes a bit psychotic until the stress alleviates. shame shame shame shame shame. shaming of an intensely sensitive individual. scars so deep. buring. burning shame burning pain and sometimes it hurts so bad i just want to be dead.

othertimes... i feel such immense rage that others hurt me so. remember the dog fight mouse? how appropriate is it to feel %#@&#! mad at the people who enjoy watching dogs hurt each other? anger... is an appropriate response sometimes.

between curling up and disappearing...

and standing up for oneself. asserting ones existence as a worthwhile individual who will not be walked over.