echoes post reminded me of a moment i had with a t who i saw years ago now... she was very special to me. we would do mindfulness exercises to finish up the session. for three minutes. i guess i did them but she didn't really, because she needed to time the three minutes. one time... i had my eyes closed... and i was feeling pain. kind of quietly sitting with it. and at one point i opened my eyes a little and looked over to her. and she was watching me. and she had the kindest expression on her face and a gentle smile. and... i couldn't believe it. i always thought if she looked at me when nobody knew that she was that there would be disgust on her face. but that she managed to mask that when people (or when i) knew that she was looking at me. but she didn't look like that. and it was so beautiful that i wanted to cry.

sorry. that wasn't even words. but it is a moment i've held onto ever since.

except... i still can't look and i don't like being looked at. not in therapy.