My marriage is in shreds. My husband has been rejecting me. Short version: he wants out, so paints me as the bad guy so he doesn't feel guilty.And he's very fragile - another reason to push me aside. Fragile in that he can't/won't face emotions. I believe in facing stuff.

We have been on a separation for many months, and soon I will go back, get my stuff out of our apartment, end the month to month rental contract, and probably take him to court because he isn't going to keep his promises of paying me back.

Oh, and by the way I'm looking for a job - a job in a new field (recent degree) at age 55. Apart from my white hair, I look younger than my age. (Why do I always type "shite hair" and then have to correct it? We must take what humour we can in this world.) And I'm living in a friend's basement, 5 hours' drive from my husband. Seen him once, for a week last month, since last year. I let him call all the shots, and that ruined us. Probably because subconsciously that's what he wanted.

When I think of my marriage being over and going on alone, inside screaming and crying start to propogate. For me, marriage was a one-time and permanent thing. I accepted his faults. I gave and gave... and he took and took, and the minute I needed, he turned on me. Blaming me for my fault that he put up with all those years but suddenly because he didn't depend on me anymore, suddenly it was unacceptable. That ain't gonna look good in front of the judge. I just hope I can get a court order for paying what I am owed. I have it in writing from him, but just in email.

So... it's a very tough time. Lately I feel like I hit a wall and I can't face doing much the past few days. Everyone says I'm pushing hard and need to go easy on myself, and maybe that's somewhat true. However, I tend to feel I need to push harder.

I feel lost in the middle of nowhere. Please help me if you can, understand what to do and how to get through this terrible chaos and sorrow. <- this does not capture my level of despair!