thanks kecanoe,
i think she must be pretty good... she has certificates on her walls like awards for being recognized in the clinic and stuff from what i recall.. FAPT thing?
there were others but i cant remember :/
i do remember the first time i talked to her i was talking and it caught me off guard because like almost right off the bat she was like yeah it seems like you are compartmentalizing and i was like
she doesnt think im lieing!!
know what i mean?
everyone before her made me feel like they were ignoring me.. not taking me serious... they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor and stuff and i was just like wtf... they kept pushing bipolar/manic dx and just kept telling me people like me have chemical imbalance that need medicine the same as someone with diabetes... no matter how many times i tried to tell them the medicines didnt seem to really help..
so im hoping it will be different with her this time..
i honestly dont really know how im feeling anymore, or right now atleast.. seems like im not ever sure how im feeling... like i cant understand emotions right now... or i dont know what emotions are mine and whats just made up or not real, seem to be blocking everything out..
confused about who i am really... i guess when you cant really put a timeline together of your life it just makes you uncertain of any kind of identity...
the psychologist i saw for the assessment in january said i had like a cognitive impairment or something so im guessing that some how my brain just is not functioning or working the way its supposed to... dont really know what he meant by cognitive impairment... i just assumed that i was so depressed that it was making me a dumb dumb.. because he told me that he hasnt seen someone as young as i am with such high levels of anxiety and depression in the outpatient setting in a long long time..
but i was severely depressed when i did the assessment, im still depressed but i was so so so bad then... i dont remember how it felt but i just know i dont want to feel that way anymore ever again... but i dont really feel anything right now... i mean i do, but i cant tell you what it is, i dont know what it is im feeling, i cant explain it
its something that plays tricks on your mind that makes you feel like maybe you are just fine and you're just making a bunch of stuff up, exaggerating small things and being a big baby
makes you want to "check" to see if you're real still, see if you feel pain, see if this is a dream and stuff... but i already have too many scars that make me feel so sad when i see them i try really hard not to do anything bad.. i have been doing good with that lately though i think... i mean, grrr its hard to know how long ago it was, last week i think some how i ended up doing it
and strange urges come into my mind that make me feel like i should or feel like i want to, but i really dont want to.. really trying not to, but i dunno, it just sucks, this all sucks so bad :/
didnt mean to go on a rant about that... i just really dont know why i do it...
does dissociation make you feel like that? do it, dont do it, i wanna do it, i dont wanna do it, just do it, why not? i dont want anymore! whats one more, because... need to know im real.. but i already know that i am..
i drive myself crazy sometimes... guess maybe i end up doing it sometimes times just to shut myself up? but it doesnt really help or fix things
gotta stop thinking about it
im gonna make myself take the journal in and talk to her about atleast some of the things in it... just have to get her to tell me that i can trust her before i do, need to hear her say that i can trust her...
i dont trust anyone... its hard to when you dont even trust yourself..
but i am ok... 10 days and i will see her...
writing here makes me feel embarrassed... but i try to tell myself that others might can understand what im feeling here... and i really do need to try to talk more... because i never talk... i mean i talk to myself a lot but thats not always a good thing... need someone outside to talk to sometimes
sorry...
::
everything will be fine, i just have to keep this in mind
try my best to unwind, and stay the crazzyness of time
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. Buddha
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Buddha Quotes - BrainyQuote
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edit x2:
i just wanted to say that i really dont think i have DID .. its just that my confusion is through the roof and im super retarded right now :|
i was wondering though.. without DID can you blank out/black out ? coming back into a dissociated state realizing whats going on and being like wooah wtf and have to really figure out whats going on before you can get control and get yourself to run out the door and get away from the whole situation ?
im not sure if i already asked this question... ive been wanting to ask it for a little while though