I really wish I had some brilliant advice to provide that would make you feel better. All I can say is I understand feeling continually 'I want to be dead' (not suicidal exactly, just wish I could vaporize or something). And I agree that PC is a good place. It's made me feel less alone, introduced me to interesting people, and given me different perspectives that help sometimes.

I hope you get a break from the rough time soon.
Mary